the humble chef @thehumble_chef
just a human tryin to cook & bake in a very tiny kitchenette. also trying to urban garden 🪴 🤷🏻♂️ (they/them) Brooklyn, NY Joined January 2020-
Tweets1K
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Followers121
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Following815
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Likes3K
My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated
job interviewer: so what are some of your strengths me: i can have a breakdown so quietly
the older i get i realize my mom was right, but i just didn’t like her tone
DID?? ANYONE?? ELSE?? HAVE?? A?? DREAM?? SO?? TRAUMATIZING?? AS?? A?? KID?? THAT?? YOU?? STILL?? REMEMBER?? IT?? TODAY??
ppl rlly don’t drop money on the floor like they used to
My toxic trait is ignoring all the dialogue in a game then getting upset with the game when I don’t know what to do 😇
i honestly dont know how rich ppl end up committing crimes. if i had even $500K, i would live so peacefully, mind my own business, wear my little outfits, and just feed birds.
Shout out to the dude in this airport lounge who opened a book, read five or six pages, sighed, closed the book, stood up, walked a few steps, and dropped it right into the trash can.
taking an adderall to hang out with my family
My secret to surviving the holidays is i get stoned as fuck then I just start doing dishes and everyone thinks I’m super helpful and no one talks to me because they don’t want to get stuck doing dishes
My son, who is a software engineer, just told me that people who know software just had their Elon Musk realization.
may I help u
Lil sis came back with henna tattoo, mum's elder sis started shouting, saying it's an abomination,& added a lil of slut shaming. lil sis looked her in the eye and told her that she have 5 grandchildren living in her house & none of her kids are married. I can touch the silence
It’s that time of year. When i post the weak-ass coffee my family brews🎄
misgendered! by the bi girl’s straight boyfriend at the queer hang out🥰
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Doesn’t it seem like there are about 8 billionaires who make life miserable for the other 8 billion people who live on planet earth?
i hate when seafood places leave the shell on the shrimp. i’m not peeling no damn shrimp i have a job.
The other day we were trying to get our 5-yr-old to eat some chicken; he refused; we insisted; he refused; we insisted; finally, he went to the window, folded his arms on it, rested his head on his arms &, weeping, cried, “Do you guys even know that people have different tastes?”
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“This is she” - my mom answering the phone
I adopted Phil a week ago and he sleeps like this starting yesterday on me. Is this normal? I am a first time cat owner.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away. The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
So MAGAs,GOP and anti-vaxxers trolling me claim that only bots are following me and that no one reads my work. tbh, this has never happened to me in 13yrs on here and that,combined with having to search for people I ❤️ on here, while I am so sad, is wearing me down. Please 💙 me.
I can’t stop laughing at this.
I love when the commonplace is a work of art
I think people who cry easily are angels confined to human bodies
Just got home and my mom’s pasta is singing??
OK…where do I get one?
Got a Dyson vacuum at Costco. Husband is walking around with it muttering “this is great. Man, this is great. What a great week,” under his breath.
I think smartphones are ruining our lives but also if I had to go to the airport in 1998 with just my wits & a subway map I’d kill myself
i cannot believe this image of elon musk at the world cup is real
A billionaire losing a “do you like me” poll on a service he paid $44 billion for is just an objectively funny way for this whole thing to end
I hate how society humanizes billionaires, but vilifies the poor and unhoused.
The timing of the ElonJet ban is suspicious as F— He banned the 20-yr-old activist RIGHT BEFORE his trip to the Middle East where he hung out with Kushner and met with the Saudis & Qataris, who own him and Twitter How convenient for him that his whereabouts are now concealed 😒
Elon Musk acquiring Twitter has sparked a race to build a better alternative, and several platforms will emerge from the chaos. The competition will force change and innovation, and we are about to witness the most significant transformation in tech since the early 2000s.
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