Kevin Pieschke @thepeshmode

grow a beard and be somebody. Joined April 2012

Tweets

1K
Followers

88
Following

76
Likes

1K

Resurrected Joey Garcia @NotJosephGarcia

2 years ago

I should be allowed to enter anybody’s home whenever I want. Its just me

4 518 3K 149K 74

oldfriend99 @oldfriend99

9 years ago

Q. Will there be email at the party? A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.

14 757 6K 0 162

descriptive display name that is way too long and @mrgracemugabe

8 years ago

how come when little kids are scared of me and i smile reassuringly it just makes them more scared. is it because they know a smile is a simple meaningless manipulation of facial muscles that is never reflected for even an instant in my cold lifeless eyes

1 13 176 0 3

pat tobin @tastefactory

10 years ago

*Star Wars cantina band plays that one song for the 5,000th time that day* ALIEN: Oh hell yeah

35 4K 9K 0 54

The Onion @TheOnion

3 years ago

KitchenAid Unveils Spring-Loaded Toaster That Allows Rad High Schoolers To Grab Breakfast In Midair While Leaving House bit.ly/3mQO5c9

16 117 2K 228K 15

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brent @murrman5

3 years ago

friend: you’re always eating sunflower seeds me: sunflower seeds never caused any trouble [two hours later we are hiding from a murderer and I got a mouthful of those salty bastards]

2 16 128 16K 0

mr. joshua @pants

3 years ago

11 387 5K 295K 66

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Wu-Tang Financial 🥑 @Wu_Tang_Finance

3 years ago

Choose your fighter

19 21 252 72K 4

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brent @murrman5

3 years ago

dentist: avoid hard foods for a day or two me: like pretzels and things like that dentist: exactly. stick to softer foods me: like soft pretzels and things like that

2 72 2K 68K 5

Harrison Weinreb @harriweinreb

3 years ago

Dinner party

9 481 1K 198K 98

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Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes

3 years ago

This just blew my mind. Ace Ventura, The Mask and Dumb and Dumber all came out in the same year. That. Is. Unbelievable. That’s gotta be up there with the best single years of all time for any actor, comedy or drama. Who else is on the list for greatest single year runs?

616 1K 30K 3.9M 567

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brent @murrman5

3 years ago

local who can tell im a tourist: enjoy the city just don’t go to uptown after dark there’s a very specific gang up there me: I’ll be fine [10pm and the salsa boys have me cornered]

5 90 890 62K 14

brent @murrman5

3 years ago

doctor: what seems to be the issue? nurse: he broke his wrist when crushing crackers into soup me: I told you I think it was almost broken before that