Average Wife take two 🤦🏼‍♀️ @AWTake2

all right I've switched back to my real account ♥️ @Average_Wife Joined September 2019

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Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ @maryfairybobrry

6 years ago

Oh good, your toddler can recite the ABC’s in multiple languages. My kid licks the TV during every food commercial. On multiple channels.

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Average Wife take two 🤦🏼‍♀️ @AWTake2

6 years ago

Switching back to my original account now that it's unlocked. Come on over and join me ♥️ @Average_Wife

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Library Opossum @Average_Wife

6 years ago

Ok so poll time: do i-

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Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ @maryfairybobrry

6 years ago

My kids decided to play with the neighbor kids for the first time since we moved in. They fashioned some kind of white flag to wave during their game and I didn’t give it much thought. They just returned like warriors, victoriously waving MY PANTIES above their heads.

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Momsense Ensues @momsense_ensues

6 years ago

Hey @McDonalds I would love it if your workers wouldn’t look at my boys after choosing the barbies instead of the cars and say “oh they want the GIRL toys!?” No lady, they want Barbies not cars, they aren’t girl toys/boy toys, they’re just freaking toys. Come on, do better.

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Average Wife take two 🤦🏼‍♀️ @AWTake2

6 years ago

Bitty *puts herself in car seat just to sit* Me- oh! Are you ready to go get bubba and sissie? *Starts to clip her in* Bitty- *becomes possessed contorting body and screaming* 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

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Stephani @Steph_A_Nanny

6 years ago

I hate when people aren’t paying attention while walking down the sidewalk. I’m trying to walk past you, and you’re zigzagging all willy nilly like a noodle, cutting me off!

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Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit

6 years ago

[my funeral] FRIEND: *adjusts novelty elephant trunk underwear* haha this thing is gonna slay bro MY WIFE: *solemnly high fives him* he would’ve wanted it this way

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sighclops @aotakeo

6 years ago

why can’t kids be reasonable and cry on the inside like the rest of us?

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Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix

6 years ago

Here's a little song I wrote about coworkers it's called "The Way I Can Hear You Eat Chips Makes Me Want to Commit Murder" and a one and a two

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Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa

6 years ago

Is it "not fucking interested in the least" or "not fucking interested in the slightest?" I want to get this PTA application letter just right.

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Mom On The Rocks @mom_ontherocks

6 years ago

Kid: I don’t want to go to school, I’m tired & it’s too hard Me: Guess what, I don’t want to get up either Kid: You’re telling me I’ll feel like this every day I wake up the rest of my life? Me: Yes. It’s miserable.

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smartass_moms @smartass_moms

6 years ago

I'm that person you can seat at any table at your wedding & be guaranteed I'll not only get along with everyone wherever you put me, but I'll go home with all of their phone numbers, social media accounts & even text photos to the next morning. I'm your wildcard.

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Princess Snide🌈 @princess_snide

6 years ago

There once was a woman named Abby Who was feeling especially crabby She applied with the mob And they gave her a job So now she gets paid to be stabby #poemsbysnide

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Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ @maryfairybobrry

6 years ago

“Summer is fun!” -Someone who’s eyebrows didn’t just run down their face.

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Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ @maryfairybobrry

6 years ago

Tell your preteen you’re a “VSCO mom” and watch their heads explode. Yell, “Yeet” so they know it’s true.

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smartass_moms @smartass_moms

6 years ago

I applied for a position at one of the top universities in the country, & by some grace am 100% qualified for it. I need so many fingers crossed for me🤞🤞🤞