Venture 🅱️apital @BiznizM

Big Toothpick should really be thinking about making THC toothpicks… could corner the anxious-girls-that-bite-their-nails-constantly market

You think the guy that found out no one else catches their poop before it hits the water switched up methods? Or just kept on keepin on?

Blind guy fingering a girl with genital warts: “uhh why do you have a copy of War and Peace written in Braille in your pants?”

Guy cosplaying Tickle Me Elmo at the convention: “A little lower…a little lower…”

Favorite types of battery (in no particular order): AAA, D, Domestic.

Let’s clear one thing up here. NFT stands for nipple fart tiddy. If you believe otherwise, you’re simply lacking the core foundational knowledge of the blockchain that we need to continue this conversation.

Idk why but I can’t imagine mark zucks knows more than 8 types of animals. Show that dude an aardvark and he’ll have to go off grid and process for a weekend.

Parents, your kids are watching ASMR at school. Ass-tastic Super-Speedy Magnificently-plump Record-setting-dongs. What happened to this once great country?

If we’re talkin anger levels, I’d be more upset if someone walked up and turned my computer off in a public library than if someone shit on my foot in a McDonald’s bathroom and I’m not sure that should be the case.

Ah, I don’t have a super villain scar down the side of my face creating a palpable air of mystique? Walk out of the room for like 45 seconds but don’t bring that charcuterie knife with you. And leave the Neosporin.

Seconds away from pulling up to a public library with a stack of papers with info blacked out by sharpie to make people wonder if I’m a secret agent.

Thinkin about the dude who made zoopals. He or she definitely made a fat bag and called it a day

Dreading the day I have to watch my kid’s middle school play. About to go grab some Swedish fish at intermission and never come back #catsthemusical

My neighbor Mike has been going through a rough patch (divorce, lost his job, Lyme Disease) so I printed 36 of these for our annual 4th of July BBQ. I'm the only one wearing it so far but I think he'll be psyched.

Krumping to Avril Lavigne #donttext

Been trappin farts inside the airtight candles at HomeGoods and putting them back on the shelf. Patiently awaiting the day I watch a woman sniff and instantly vomit on her “but first, wine” pillow. #devilish

Vibe rater - dildo that rates your vibe

Dream job: being a magician for blind people. I’d be a legend

I want to grow up to be a sleeping security guard. It’s a very castable role in movies as well so I might even make it big in Paul Blart 4

Gobble me wobble me drip down the wobble me