Datix Matron @DatixMatron

NHS Matron nearing retirement. Spend my days investigating adverse incidents and patient complaints. Will share my favourites until I get sacked or famous. Joined May 2022

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

2 years ago

Does anyone else now have U2's new album on their phones? #emergencyalert

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix: "The vending machine on the third floor doesn't give change" Well the Matron on the sixth floor doesn't give a shit! 🤪

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix: It's hot! No sh*t, Sherlock.

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Datix from a ward clerk: "I returned from leave and someone had adjusted the settings on my chair" What do you expect me to do? Some sort of Cinderella roleplay but instead of a glass slipper, I check everyone's bum indentation against your chair?

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

The heat may have made me confuse two totally different news stories....but has Boris flown to Ukraine to discuss us hosting Eurovision?

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Thank you for this submission from a follower, taken in a hospital outpatients department. #HumanFactors playing a big part here. I look forward to this Datix dropping in my inbox in the near future 🙄

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix: "The windows on the top floor don't open" And for good reason too! We wouldn't want you letting all the heat out from the NHS radiators. 🥵 Energy prices have gone up you know!

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix: "Someone microwaved a fish pie in the staff room and now the gynae ward smells of fish!" Clinical Datix? Or a sackable offence? You decide 😆 (I will let people make up their own jokes to the second part of the Datix!) 😜

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix from a Nurse: "A sales rep gave me a free pen....it was blue ink!" Be grateful, honey. The last time I got given something from a sales rep, it took 4-6 weeks to get rid of. 😜💊

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix: "I slipped on the wet floor, avoiding the wet floor sign" Thank you for providing all the information I require to close this investigation.

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix from night-shift worker: "Costa no longer stock full-fat Coke" I feel your pain, darling (and I don't even work nights any more) but still not a valid clinical Datix, my love! Hopefully Elon puts the cocaine back in and we can all be buzzing our tits off once again. 🤪

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix from Student Nurse (many years ago): "Do you know that the radiators are on during the summer. Can you fix this?" My darling, I can't work bloody miracles! Nothing has changed. I wish you a long and sweaty career in this sauna we call the NHS.

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Datix Matron @DatixMatron

3 years ago

Datix from Junior Doctor: "Ward Sister made me a cup of tea and left the bag in" I don't have the time, patience or crayons to explain to you why this isn't my problem, or a valid Datix. 🙄