FunnyBusiness @FunnyBu23509858

I grew up thinking I really liked seafood. Turns out I just love cocktail sauce.

Hot dog lovers must wander through life blissfully unaware of how hard it is for the rest of us to find something to eat.

If Disney Plus is going to keep putting out these pooper knock off shows like Lady Hulk, then they should really consider making a Disney Minus.

In Geometry, the Isosceles triangle is the most Greek sounding.

Hey, Google assistant: If I ask you very discretely to tell me the name of the song, don't SHOUT it at full volume. Now everyone in Starbucks knows I wanted to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks later at home.

In the gay community, "Going Postal" means wearing knee-high socks with blue shorts.

A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A guy who steps out into the crosswalk moments BEFORE the hand signal, He doesn't even look to see if cars are still slowing to a stop, just goes.

My friend with "Low Rider” stuck in his head: Hey, man do you like @War? Me: What? My friend: Do you like WAR? Me: Well, I don’t think anyone likes war . . . Him: This is why we can’t be friends. Me: Why can’t we be friends? Him: So you do like war? Me: . . .

This is why I can't make new friends.

Since they are making a dramatic version of #FreshPrinceofBelAir can we also get a comedic version of #AccordingtoJim?

Shout out to the person who writes a contradictory review of an @amazon product to set the record straight, like; “Yeah, it shrinks in the dryer because it is made of cotton, but you are also getting 5 of them for $26. Order a size up and stop expecting perfection.”

Idea: A buffet-style #Pho restaurant called, “go Pho-ck yourself.” Investors? Let's talk.

If you’re going to lie about your work history - tell employers you were the regional manager of a place that never answers the phone, like @comcast. They won’t be able to verify it, but they won’t be able to DENY it either . . .

The only way to see the movie "Exit Wounds" is during the middle of the day on BET with commercials, or you rent it from Blockbuster. Apart from that it does not exist.