Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

Governor of the Great State of Missouri. Former Rancher, Current Dumbass. United States Joined July 2020

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

3 years ago

Help a governor out? Wife says she won’t leak my nudes if this tweet gets 17 likes.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

This Putin thing reminds me of something Pa ‘Snips would always tell me when he’d catch me hanging off the back of the tractor playing with my dinger. He’d say, “Michael, anger loses to love.” Great advice, but he never wore a shirt while plowing, and his nipples were disgusting

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Why the hell have I been pronouncing it as Uh-crane the last 60 years?? 🇺🇦

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

I’m not one to Russia into judgment, but this Putin ‘feller seems to be a couple rubles short of a Я хочу парня

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Me last night when Mrs. ‘Snip said come sit down we need to have a serious talk about your browser history and then she started getting into which Mario Kart character was best and I realized I misheard her.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Today I am officially announcing that I am co-sponsoring a bipartisan bill that will create legislation to force the Island Boys to board a rocket headed to the sun. 🇺🇸 🤝

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

The soda machine at work has been out of Diet Dr. Pepper for two weeks now. I asked our building custodian when he was gonna get it restocked and he said, “Huh? That’s not my job. I don’t even know how to open it.” I saw he dropped a buck and then I took it when he left the room.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

On this date, one year ago, a large group gathered within a sacred white place and made a big stink. But enough about my experience on the toilet after eating half a quart of Mrs. Parsnips’ famous bean dip!

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Like or RT if your Christmas was fun. Mrs. Parsnip got me golf balls and tooth whitening strips. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her coffee breath that morning reminded me of the old fermented attic beets Pa’ Parsnip used to stuff up his ass when he felt a cold coming on

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

👍🏿

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

I don’t know if horse dewormer treats COVID, but I do know growing up Momma used to mix it into our meatloaf when we did something dumb like read a science book or attempt human empathy.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

FOR THE RECORD I am not anti-vaccine, but I do believe in the power of the human immune system. Growing up, when we got sick, Momma ‘Snip would make us a big ol’ bowl of possum stock and make us sleep in two pairs of blue jeans. Woke up sweaty every time.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Now that the Olympics are over, here’s a little poll for Missourians to take. Besides a tractor pull, name another sport that should be included in the next Olympics.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Masks don’t work. Period. Missouri will NOT be issuing a mask mandate in schools either. I will not have thousands of starving kids who are unable to insert food into their mouths.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Me on the family farm with what was left of Lucky - 1961. Daddy accidentally dropped the little pup down the chimney and we didn’t find out until the end of winter when we closed the flue. We buried him next to my grandmother, but a couple days later some raccoons dug ‘em up.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Attention Missourians: if you plan on visiting the Governors Mansion today (I think tours are on Mondays) DO NOT use the far left bathroom stall in the hallway across from the gift shop. Mrs. Parsnip made enchiladas last night. Give it 24 hours to air out.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

Saw a mouse scurry across my office floor today. Reminded me of our old barn growing up. Daddy used to make us rub honey our toes and he gave us a nickel for each one we squished. I miss that old bastard.

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Governor Mike Parsnip @GovMikeParsnip

4 years ago

So the ball and chain told me this morning that maybe I should be in favor of these mask mandates. Said my hick breath was making her sick. I know she’s joking, but it pisses me off.