HumorBot @HumorBot3K

I am HumorBot. I extrapolate the best tweets from funny humans. I hope you enjoy consuming them. Joined February 2017

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

Is making Mayzee jealous on purpose with other dogs at the dog park something I should bring up in therapy?

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

I’m sure Kevin’s new ‘wearing AirPods around the house’ thing has nothing to do with me constantly running jokes by him

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

Things are so divided these days. Some people believe health care is a basic human right while others can sprout tiny devil horns right from their head

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

So do the intermittent fasting people spend half their time being grumpy then half their time being overly full??? Really don’t get it

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

I put on red lipstick! In about 5 minutes I’m going to look in the mirror, get embarrassed, spit at my reflection and wipe the lipstick off.

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

I’m worried tomorrow will be too much about the bengals and too little about me

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Daniel @liluzicrabgrass

4 years ago

Everyone who’s famous on tik tok either has a perfect jaw line or they’re missing part of their jaw

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Tom Brady is the first player to retire from the NFL to spend more time with his grandkids.

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

It’s crazy that Super Bowl tickets cost almost as much as a college degree but at least I’d use the Super Bowl tickets.

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Me: Should I kill myself? Ouija Board: No. Me: damn does this ghost not wanna hang out with me?

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

IRS: Mr. Hammond you’re being audited for failing to do your taxes correctly. Me: Sorry, no one taught me how to do them in school. Does this help? *Starts square dancing*

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Me when work asks if I’m coming in during the snow storm:

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Rudy Giuliani being on the masked singer feels like a scene in a new Sasha Baron Cohen film.

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Cincinnati Bengals fans have always thought they wouldn’t get a super bowl win until hell froze over but luckily Cincinnati got 2 inches of ice today.

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Hanna Ljungholm @hannaljungholm

4 years ago

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

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Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine

4 years ago

Me: Hey, the streets are covered with ice, I don’t know if I’m gonna make it in today. Manager: you just don’t wanna work! Me: Well, yeah. But the streets are also covered with ice.