Ian @Ianunderscore23

Joined May 2010

Tweets

2K
Followers

288
Following

266
Likes

140

Ian @Ianunderscore23

2 years ago

Me seeing Dr. Ian Malcom at Jurassic Park: Ya know, I’m more of a Tricerabottom.

0 0 0 94 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

2 years ago

I want a lip tattoo that says hand stuff.

0 0 4 106 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

2 years ago

Fred Durst. More like Fred Thirst. Am I right?

1 0 3 141 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

2 years ago

Sometimes when I’m bartending, and I see someone barge through the door, I think they are a terminator. Depending on the shift it’s a comforting feeling.

0 0 6 131 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

2 years ago

Today is the 4th 20th. Celebrate it by doing 20 things in 4 sets. Who really gives a shit?

0 0 2 102 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

I met a Giancarlo once. He had my ass clapping so hard it sounded like a studio audience from a 90’s sitcom when the character walks into screen.

0 0 2 132 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Fathers, if you don’t want your daughters to have sex, don’t name them Giancarlo. That name absolutely has lots of premarital unwedded sex.

0 0 0 81 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Man, I just wanna lay down and let REM sleep rail the shit out of me until I wake up feeling okish.

0 0 3 240 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

If books had butts 🧐

1 0 2 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Micro greens. More like micro aggressive greens. Get off my cheese covered bread ya turds.

0 0 3 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

I think the best sleep aid is a little nightcap with fluffy ball attached to it. I have never seen a restless person in that cap. They are always straight up honk chew chew chewing.

1 0 9 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

I wonder what the caloric value of a fingernail is, and I’m terrified to know how many calories of fingernails I have ate.

1 0 1 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Apparently I’m like a four in Florida.

2 0 11 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Ya know. I’m just a fart in a turds world.

3 0 4 0 0

Ian @Ianunderscore23

3 years ago

Picture this: it’s Opposite Day. You and your friends get together to play a lighthearted game of hot potato. You stand in a circle and your friend stands there holding an ice cold potato.

0 1 3 0 0

It’s 2030. World war has destroyed most of our homes. Climate change has made resources scarce. We are forced to make homes out of old pallets, picnic tables, and piping. Everyone curses Daewon Song as he skates their homes day and nigh.