The Intellectual Mug @IntellectualMug

In the Brikkies and Keith Bowles was just staring out my “colleague” Prof. Thomas. The Prof didn’t want any trouble, so decided to leave. But as he picked up his umbrella, Bowles panicked and dived behind a plant pot, screaming “No, don’t hurt me”.

Trev was playing darts with Linekar’s photo on the bull. I scoffed & said “my crimson friend, now that an England legend is such anathema to you, presumably you’ll start worshipping Diego Maradona instead?”. He stared at me for 6 seconds before smashing my head through the frutie

I heard Ted & Trev chatting in the boozer about how they don’t want to be outdone by the Chinese. Mental Mills turned up in the pub garden with an enormous helium balloon tied to a rope, which they then forcibly tied around Dave Christ’s waist & watched him float up into the sky

I appeared as a guest on In Our Time today as an expert on the Islamic Golden Age. In response to a query on astronomy I boldly claimed that Willie Whitelaw launched the first satellite from Damascus in 1185. Melvyn Bragg stared blankly at me for 8 seconds then asked me to leave

An academic in Portugal has written a whole chapter about how my thesis “The excessive alcohol myth, how scientists have tricked you into believing it damages your liver” is “Dangerously retarded, quasi-intellectual hog wash”

My wife asked me to get costumes for our 3 grandsons. I got 3 suits with a blue tie, a yellow tie & a pinky/purple one, plus 3 large podiums which attach around their necks. They can hardly walk, but it’s worth it as I guarantee no one else will dress as the 2010 leaders debate.

The psychopaths will be returning to the Bricklayers over the next 24 hours or so. Botty looks really depressed as he always makes record profits whilst the “chaps” are out of town. The place transforms into a family friendly, gastro pub with the mere pulling of a hidden lever.

With all the “chaps” out of town, Rainbow and Keith have been left in charge of things. Keith just demanded a free pint of Stella and Megatron chuckled and told him to piss off. Rainbow then lunged forward & Megatron KO’d him with a left hook then nutted Keith to the ground.

The Bricklayers is oddly quiet today because Trev, Eddie & the rest of the bloated psychos have got a bizarre long standing contract to provide security at various party conferences. When yesterday I tried to engage them in a chat about taxation, I got called a “political gimp”.

Went through a “drive-thru” petrol station near me and, for daring to ask for a receipt, the woman on the till looked at me like I was Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus and she was Octavia.

I just climbed up an advertising board on the Old Kent Road in broad daylight and tore down a Colgate ad. I resent the implication that oafs in the marketing sector are smarter than me because I can be conned into buying their products by seeing a man with a clearly edited smile.

The queue to see HRH now goes to Bermondsey Beach. “Mental Mills” popped his head into the pub and shouted “there’s a mob coming d’an Marigold Street, getting all ma’thy behind old bill” I watched from the bar as the pub emptied of men in their 50’s & 60’s all red in the face.

I’ve been in the Bricklayers for a few hours, enjoying some lovely pints of Robot’s Choice. The Royal procession was on TV whilst Trev Kipling stood on his table, crimson in hue, continually chanting “Keep St George in my heart, keep me English” for 25 mins straight.