I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

I dunno. Ummmm...I like your butt. Blank Joined June 2018

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

Well...let's see if Twitter can help me feel more human during this crazy time.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

Go see these guys, Boise! Man-thongs optional, but encouraged.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

A woman with 3 kids just came through my line and 2 older girls (maybe 12-14) were acting up and getting crazy and the youngest one (7-10) looks me dead in the eyes, pushes her glasses up her nose, and straighfaced says "I have ADHD and I'm not as crazy as these two" and I died.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

"I'm from California." "What Part?" "Modesto." "Where?" "Home of George Lucas!" "Huh?" "You know what? Forget where I'm from, we need to talk about what the hell you've been doing with your life."

Burra😵‍💫 @whateverteresa

6 years ago

"I'm from California." "What Part?" "Modesto." "Where?" "Home of George Lucas!" "Huh?" "You know what? Forget where I'm from, we need to talk about what the hell you've been doing with your life."

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

What if my problem is that I crossed my heart that one time, but forgot to stick the needle in my eye...

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

A lesbian couple came in to my store today and asked for help getting their lesbian friend a gift. I got excited and helped them pick out the perfect gift and one of them said to me "I don't know who's more gay, me or you" and I feel like I finally made it.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

I may be out of shape, short, and bald, but at least my penis is below average

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

I just want to take a moment to celebrate all the Decapodians who gave up any chance of ever getting laid in order to raise the children of the species.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

What do you say we just skip to the breakup sex?

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

We all make this same face running from our car into the grocery store. reddit.com/r/Damnthatsint…

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

You know that feeling when you're looking someone dead in the face and you think "It must suck being them" and then they look you square in the eye and say "You have no idea" and you freak out because you realize that your mirror is filthy?

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Revolution MacInnes @rvltnmacinnes

6 years ago

The first 25 resisters (bet your ass I’m vetting you) that follow my backup @News4Left , and RT this post will get a shoutout in a #FBR party from this account. It’s called quid pro quo. And if you hate Trump as much as I do, watch my livestream right here at 7:30PM EST M-F.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

The hard part about ending a long relationship mutually is explaining to people that we don't hate each other. It's actually not even the end of a relationship, just the end of a label. Though it's only been 4 months of spending my nights alone and the lack of convo hurts too.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

Damnit! I guess I'm one of these guys now

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

My microwavable butternut squash mac & cheese was a little bland so I crushed some hot cheetos on top. Look for me on the next @BravoTopChef as I'm sure they'll be wanting to secure me for the next season.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

I started a new day job today. It's such a 180 from my previous jobs. It doesn't pay well, it's customer service, and it's...100% nontoxic. Even though I'm working more hours I feel like I'll actually have more time to chase my writing dreams. I feel...refreshed. I'm in job love.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

Tried to Google @KyleKinane and accidentally transposed the first "L" and second "K" and now I get the weirdest targeted ads.

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

Actual conversation I had with a coworker today: Me: *Sings Take My Breath Away* Co-worker: Oh! I love that song! Me: Yeah, it's a good one. Her: Yeah, I've been into it ever since I heard it on that one movie, what's it called? Me: Top Gun! Her: No...Death Note!

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I-Think-I-Can't @ScornedTurtle

6 years ago

What's the appropriate response to a phone call that your best friend since third grade has been missing for 3 days? I'm lost and have no idea what to do here...