Too Soon News @TooSoonNetwork
The most trusted offensive parody news since Joan Rivers and Harambe died. 🟰 The Google Internetz Machine Joined December 2022-
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BREAKING NEWS 🕊️ VP JD Vance won't attend Pope Francis' funeral, sidelined for the past few days by a possible mild COVID case. President Trump will go, as no one is more qualified in Poping & Jesus stuff than him, bringing unmatched presence to honor the Pope according to him
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 JD Vance, last seen with #PopeFrancis, wanted by Vatican police for questioning in alleged murder probe. Sources say Vance was pitching a screenplay titled "Hillbilly Teenjus" as a sequel of his life to the Pontiff. STORY DEVELOPING #JDVance #PopeFrancisdeath
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 @VP JD Vance in Rome for Good Friday, carries his child into St. Peter’s as an "offering" to the Vatican’s perverse priests—a wonderful bonding gesture between U.S. & Holy See. #MAGA #GoodFriday #Easter2025
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 @UniversalPics unveils first look at Fast & Furious "Origins", the highly anticipated prequel to the blockbuster franchise! Get ready for high-Pedaling action, epic stunts, and the untold story of where it all began. #FastAndFurious #MovieNews #ComingSoon
BREAKING NEWS 🚨Sixth Sense' star Haley Joel Osment opens up about his supernatural experiences! The actor hints at eerie moments of sensing certain presences, echoing his iconic role. "I’ve seen things that many won’t
BREAKING NEWS 🇮🇹 President Trump claims Italian Mafia’s “destroying cities like New York,” threatens 80% tariff on pasta unless Italy stops “exporting wise guys.” Italy Prime Misniter @GiorgiaMeloni denies Mafia pipeline; trade talks implode. #TrumpTariffs #DonaldTrump #MAGA
BREAKING NEWS 🚨Boston Dynamics' Atlas robot to be cameraman for Alec Baldwin’s next film! Pinpoint and film with human-like agility, keeps crew safe & avoids having filmmakers getting shot in the face.
BREAKING NEWS 🚀 Heroic family of 5 American astronauts defies death and makes history, landing safely at 6 Flags International Space Exploration Center after a perilous space mission! 🇺🇸 Stars and Stripes soar in triumph!
BREAKING NEWS 🚀 Katy Perry, Lauren Sánchez, Gayle King, Aisha Bowe, Amanda Nguyen, & Kerianne Flynn shoot spicy @OnlyFans content in space aboard Bezos’ giant dildo rocket! Adult content just launched into a new frontier #BlueOrigin
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 U.S. District Attorney Pam Bondi announced that the DOJ will seek the death penalty for 78-year-old Florida resident Betty Rubble who allegedly rear-ended a Tesla with her Nissan Altima at Miami-Dade International Airport, causing a minor collision.
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 Menendez Brothers Strike Again? Aunt Found Unresponsive in Hotel, Erik and Lyle Top Suspects Despite Being Behind Bars! #MenendezMania
BREAKING NEWS 🚨China threatens to ban all The Apprentice re-runs in retaliation for new U.S. tariffs on Chinese goods. Trump fires back, vowing "full military force" if the show is canceled as Global leaders scramble to defuse the escalating "Reality TV Trade War." #TrumpTariffs
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 Markets Surge as Trump Ends "The Corrupt Democrat Tariffs Era" – MAGA Wins! After Donald Trump axed "unjust" tariffs imposed by "crooked @TheDemocrats" The Dow soared 5,000 points in an hour as Trump tweeted, “Tariffs GONE, folks! I’m BACK – so are YOUR JOBS!
BREAKING NEWS Trump’s meteoric popularity has unleashed chaos in the MAGA hat market! Prices are surging to insane heights as his winning streak continues-factories in China can barely keep up with the demand. Love for Trump is single_handedly driving this Marxismred-volution!
We must protect Russell Brand at all costs!!! he’s out here fightin for truth and our souls 24/7, a real hero not like those other losers. brand cares bout us!!! #FREERUSSELLBRAND
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 President Donald Trump pardons Russell Brand, facing rape and sexual assault charges in the UK, sparking global debate. Details to follow as story develops.
BREAKING📽️🔥Michael Mann’s Heat 2 script lands @warnerbros with a bang! Val Kilmer reprises Shiherlis, Tom Sizemore returns as Cheritto, Gene Hackman emerges as MAGA POTUS to foil a Fort Knox heist. De Niro & Pacino in talks for their roles. Epic crime saga awaits! #ComingSoon
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 Virginia Giuffre, accuser of Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein, dead at 41, days after a grim prediction of her death within 4 days. RIP #GoneTooSoon
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 Archaeologists have discovered a giant @Toblerone buried beneath the Pyramids of Giza. Experts say it may be the original triangular wonder of the ancient world.

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