Corey Evans @_corey_evans
Houston based comedian. The dream is to write a TV show or win the lottery, probably the lottery. Houston, TX Joined March 2017-
Tweets267
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Followers284
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Following448
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Likes484
Will someone tell Mike Pence coronavirus makes you gay? I want him to take this seriously.
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Obligatory valentines post where I make a joke about being single to show everyone that I’m fine and not constantly thinking about dying alone and if anything happens after we die. #datingmyself
Most people think that you should avoid fats all together, but in reality there are a lot of good fats, like Kevin James
Corey Evans retweeted
God: They’ll need something that gives them energy God Adviser: We can make a thing called food and eating. Eat food, get energy God: Ok. So they just eat it? GA: Hm. Let’s also attach a crippling psychological aspect to the process so it’s really confusing God: I like that
Corey Evans retweeted
Within the last year: Super Bowl MVP = Tx Tech Final Four = Tx Tech College World Series = Tx Tech T&F National Champs = Tx Tech Pom National Champs = Tx Tech Cheer National Champs = Tx Tech Tx Tech is the move
Performing in Wallace, Idaho tonight and immediately getting lost in the mountains and dying of exposure after. Show at 7 My imminent death at 9:30
Remember that one year where we all pretended like the national spelling bee was interesting?
I think most vampires are white because a white person is the only type of person who can be scared of garlic and be utterly destroyed by sunlight.
How long does it take you to decide you hate someone. My judgement clocks in at under 30 seconds
Is getting drafted a good reason to give up on #DryJanuary
Eventually wars will be fought only with robots, so let’s just speed this up. Iran and the U.S. send our best call of duty players. Loser has to say he’s sorry #WWIII
Corey Evans retweeted
“You gotta be undeniable” - me to myself and my debit card
No more small talk in 2020. “Yeah yeah, Monday’s do suck! Now, what happens when we die? Don’t walk away! Answer me!”
Shoot for the stars, even if you miss you will float endlessly in space until your oxygen runs out. #ThursdayMotivation
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