༄ blaze @_emptykcals

very chaotic virtual diary ;; 16 he/she◦ednos (?) ✩ pro recovery » non ed/sh twt dni Joined October 2021

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i think ill try to do high res and workout and lower my intake if i dont lose quickly but hopefully i will

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i need to be under 50 kg by the time school starts

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i love life so much but i simultaneously want to ruin everything but then again i have really nice life plans for the first time in so long but i think theyre too ambitious so ill probably set myself in a depressive episode when i realise i wont achieve it

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

its like im going through a literal spiritual awakening but theres also sooooo much confusion but in a good way i think?

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

im in such a weird phase of my life rn and im getting the urge to talk to my therapist ab it but im not gonna see her for at least another month

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

im so confused ab my life and my feelings idk what to do

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i miss being 13 cause i think that was my worst and now that i was a little happier i became so boring i need to feel awful in order for things to work

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

every time i think im happier theres just something that has to ruin it im not even gonna try anymore if i cant like my life im gonna make it as bad as possible and then kms if it gets too boring

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i think once school starts again ill restrict until i can fit into this one pair of jeans i have that are like 3 sizes smaller and only weight myself after i hit that goal

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

need to weight myself tomorrow to track progress but im scared as fuck ill just see im at a new hw istg once i get back on track im never letting myself get this bad again

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

fuck i rly never realize how much weight i gain until i look back at bodychecks i thought i was fat in and think id do anything to look like that again

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

this time i need to just never go back to binging i rly dont wanna keep gaining weight

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

its gonna be so easy to restrict during my camp cause im going with a friend who always eats so little and kinda triggers me and since im just getting out of the longest binge cycle ever ill lose so fast

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

no fucking way i lost all of my bookmarks wtf i deactivated before and this never happened ahhhh

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

this is so weird cause i dont have an ed but every few months i remember how good it feels to restrict and have control so i fuck around and starve for a few months then when its not that rewarding anymore and i kinda slip back into binging i just stop acting disordered and so on

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

ik i said this before but im back fr this time i swear

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i just hit a new lowest point and i rly wish i could kill myself but i dont want to hurt my family and i rly want someone to know i wanna kms and be worried ab me but i cang tell anyone cause whats yne point im worrying someone for no reason

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༄ blaze @_emptykcals

2 years ago

i had a good time during my bday cause i got almost blackout drunk and barely remember the second half but looking back at the pics i looked so fat and now im considering relapsing again over those fucking pics