Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

Comedy writer in Los Angeles. Formerly @LateNight, @UCB, @Ranker, @theonion, @livefromhereapm BenjaminApple.com Los Angeles, CA Joined August 2007

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

8 months ago

Mayor Bass just texted me that it’s okay to eat all the ice cream in my fridge so it doesn’t go bad while my power is out. “At a time like this the last thing we need to do is waste food,” she said. Not sure if this went out to everyone or what

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

3 years ago

I just heard a tech bro on a phone call say “Bill is actually gonna provide us with an experience-share to shed light on the process — which I find, contextually, extremely beneficial.” I’m not 100% sure, but I think it means “Bill’s gonna tell us how he did it.“

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

3 years ago

This airplane is a convertible. So far top’s been down the whole flight. Can’t hear anything over the roaring wind, and must of our stuff has blown away. Kind of hate it, kind of love it.

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

3 years ago

This airplane’s windows all have the Calvin peeing sticker on them. They’re positioned so he’s peeing on a second sticker, which is a peace sign? Guess the captain doesn’t like peace? Anyway must be like 180 stickers all together

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

3 years ago

Instead of a regular button for calling the flight attendant, this plane has a newborn kitten which you continuously bottle-feed until you need something — then you withhold milk until the kitten begins to mewl. Haven’t seen this before.

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

3 years ago

The other day in the supermarket I asked an employee if they had coconuts, and they said "No, but we do have these ..." then they led me to the coconuts. Can't stop thinking about this.

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

Not sure why, but all the seats on this plane are clearly salvaged from car wrecks. Mine is red vinyl from a mid 80’s Plymouth Reliant and still has one of those beaded seat covers. My gf’s is a leather one from a Mercedes, but also has a lot of water damage and a bloodstain???

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

Instead of “regular” landing gear, this airplane has - you won’t believe me - four huge legs. Very human-looking, thighs and all. You can feel the plane sauntering down the tarmac. They’re not wearing shoes though so my concern is, what if the plane stubs a toe during takeoff?

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

Pilot just announced that the plane was “sleepy” and then a couple mechanics walked around slapping the outside of it like they were waking up a sleeping horse. The whole plane just kind of yawned and stretched its wings though, so I think it’s about ready to start the day

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

Flight attendants just announced that they need five passengers to volunteer to have their bags burned. Not checked — burned. Weirdest part is half the plane raised their hands???

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

The pilot on this flight is using the PA system to pitch us on this app he really wants to develop, but it’s just Waze. He must not know about Waze. Everyone in the cabin is discussing whether to tell him or just be encouraging

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Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple

4 years ago

Instead of jet engines this airplane has dozens and dozens of small tabletop fans duct taped to the wings, all pointing backwards. Couple of the fans are oscillating. Some of the extension cords are dragging on the tarmac. Never heard of this approach before but I trust science