David Smith @darknugget
Stand-up comedian. Drinker. Person...I think. Los Angeles Joined February 2009-
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Women make the exact same sound when they see something cute that men make when they lose a bet.
Alcohol has become part of my DNA. If I don't drink, I stumble around and bump into shit. If I do drink, I actually talk to people. #fuckyouvinnie
I just wrote a review on Pike Place Collection: Seasonings yotpo.com/go/oWnlAFhm via @Yotpo
How awesome are my demons...I feed them booze and they go to the DMV for me.
I learned today that a "Boobie" is a kind of bird. Turns out after all these years I've been praying to play with birds.
Binge watching Criminal Minds for the ninth time and thinking, "where do serial killers find all the spare time?"
For me manscaping is like going to the beach. Every time I do it I'm thinking, I should do this more often.
Friend: You only have one coffee cup? Me: Why would I need more than one coffee cup? I'm only one person. Friend: What if you have someone come over? Me: Why would I have someone come over? That's even weirder than drinking 2 cups of coffee at the same time.
I ordered a fake flask that masks itself as sun tan lotion. It hasn't arrived yet and I've already accidentally drank sun tan lotion.
I’m getting Cash Back at my favorite stores with Ebates, and you can, too! Join for free and get a $10 Welcome Bonus: ebates.com/r/SLIPPE152?ee…
I just made a fart that was so amazing, it inspired me to build a time machine.
I love that my "OCD" makes me place the fold of the towels toward the view of the guests that I will never have.
The only thing I don't like about bitcoin is that I'll probably never find one just lying around... and that I'm having trouble unencryping the one that I have.
On my way to work I thought, I should bring a beer with me. Then I thought, WAIT!, no matter where I go I should always bring a beer with me!
Coworker: You're late, and you smell like a brewery. Me: That's because I lost track of time because I've been drinking all day.
My Dad would always tell me, "I don't see how you can drink beer, it looks like horse piss." I would retort, "Yeah, but it taste so much better!".
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