McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag. mcsweeneys.net San Francisco, CA Joined April 2009

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

49 minutes ago

"If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we have to ban every fraternity the next time a freshman dies? What about if they’re only seriously injured? This is a slippery slope, my friends." mcsweeneys.net/articles/in-de…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

a hour ago

I wanted to text my partner: 'Be home soon.' Instead, I wrote, 'Circling back into the infrastructural imaginary of shared dwelling—if, indeed, dwelling can be shared.' They replied with a thumbs up, which I interpret as either affirmation or resignation. mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-got…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 hours ago

"If you don't label your child's items, we will pace around the classroom, fish tank half-cleaned, sad desk salad half-eaten, holding a single mitten, whisper-chanting each student’s name." mcsweeneys.net/articles/pleas…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

12 hours ago

This one is trickier than you would think. mcsweeneys.net/articles/co-wo…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

13 hours ago

"I, like most of America’s teachers, am a godless communist. But the real world has a funny way of challenging ideology, and frankly, I can’t think of a text more relevant to today’s classrooms than the Ten Commandments." mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-i-…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

13 hours ago

"Elbowing your way to the front of the free-sample line at Costco." mcsweeneys.net/articles/16-su…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

13 hours ago

"With open arms, Ryan welcomed Jesus into his life. Which could be where he got the beard idea. Apparently, he didn’t realize Jesus’s beard was made out of facial hair, not bees. Because making his beard out of bees would have made Jesus insane." mcsweeneys.net/articles/eulog…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

20 hours ago

"Back-to-School Night is traditionally a time to meet the teacher and learn about their life. If we linger on that, this will not be fun. Outside the classroom, my life will continue to resemble the B-plot in a near-future dystopian series on the CW." mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-tea…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

21 hours ago

"The Earth and Atmospheric Sciences department welcomes applications from research scientists who want their work routinely dismissed or criticized by a large percentage of the public." mcsweeneys.net/articles/hones…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

23 hours ago

“A lot of people are saying, ‘Maybe we like a dictator.’” — George Washington “You also had some very fine people on both sides.” — John Adams “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?" — Alexander Hamilton mcsweeneys.net/articles/other…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

a day ago

"The Deanspeak translator can even filter out your administrators’ most common gobbledygook. Default settings include 'deliverables,' 'synergy,' 'assessment,' and 'shared governance.'" mcsweeneys.net/articles/facul…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

a day ago

"We take that giant, honeyed-up, Dippin’ Dot–covered nugget, lower it into a vat of Mike’s OG Ooey Gooey Cheez-e Mac, cryogenically freeze that sonuvabitch in liquid nitrogen, and hammer it out into a Supreme Cheez-e Massive Mac Block." mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-o…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"If you don't label your child's items, we will construct a set of wind chimes from your family’s stray metal forks, spoons, and sporks, and we’ll send it home as a gift/alarm clock." mcsweeneys.net/articles/pleas…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"Email has become a crucible. I can no longer say 'Attached is the draft.' I must instead write, 'Enclosed—though, of course, enclosure itself is a problematic modality—please locate a text-in-process, emergent rather than concluded.'" mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-got…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

You spent $5600 on a newborn photography session depicting your baby dressed as a pot roast. You don’t have enough newborn photos of your child around the house, and as soon as they’re of age they’ll seek validation from strangers on Instagram. mcsweeneys.net/articles/quiz-…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we raze our hallowed halls? Will we change our street names? Will we forbid the a cappella group from singing 'Let’s All Point and Laugh at the Nearest Marginalized Ethnic Group'?" mcsweeneys.net/articles/in-de…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"The biggest issue in K-12 education today, bar none, is our students’ constant, invasive daydreams about a new life with their neighbor Brian’s underappreciated wife, Denise." mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-i-…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"When a life, like Ryan's, is taken at such a young age, there are many questions left unanswered. Questions like, 'Why was this his time?' Or 'What did he think was eventually going to happen if he kept putting bees all over his face?'" mcsweeneys.net/articles/eulog…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

1. Bayern Haus 2. Betahaus 3. Clubhaus 4. CoHaus 5. Collective Haus 6. Day Haus... mcsweeneys.net/articles/co-wo…

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys

2 days ago

"These aren’t the only ways to buy a house. You could stop ordering takeout and cook at home to cut costs, and then buy a house with your rich aunt’s money." mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-i…