Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

bartender in queens. Astoria Joined April 2011

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Chased a possum through the snow last night because of our differing ideas about our compatibility as friends.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Ranking all my friends in order of how much I compare them to a kiss from a rose on the grey

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

In my wistful moments I dream of buying the fancy cocktail joint on my corner and turning into the scuzziest coke bar this town’s ever seen. Psycho bouncer named Spud with no teeth and nothing to lose. Pool table but no cues so it’s only assholes that have their own playing.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

The DNR that I just signed has specific language that includes when I pass out drunk.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

The guy at Popeye’s was visibly disgusted with me again.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Everyone who keeps begging me to quit drinking just doesn’t understand being unable to stop and addicted to the shindig.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Surely not ALL you calabrese do the mambo like-a crazy

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Tonight’s unseasonably cool breeze was calm and inviting even though it carried with it a forbidding sense of cataclysm. The west is boiling and we have October weather. The world could tip off its axis and into space tomorrow and we’d never bat an eye.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Spent the day sitting on the porch saying hi to people I know like the biggest goddam dork in the neighborhood.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Saws raccoon on his hind legs when I was walking home and he did that cute little quizzical “wait, do I know this guy?” look at me before loping his fat ass over to some trash cans.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Keep thinking my memory is really going on me but it’s probably just that I’m a bit older now and have that many more shameful acts to suppress.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Can’t imagine why you’d tell anyone this, least of all the bartender, but tonight one of the young people bragged to me that they’d just been kicked out of another place for wandering down to the basement and wizzing on the floor.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

A customer at the bar asked me if we sold loosies. Just ask to bum a cigarette, already. Don’t with the silly talk. We don’t make no chop cheese, neither.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

“I called you and it went to voicemail but I couldn’t tell if you were joking or it really went to voicemail.” -overheard from my downstairs neighbor while I was in the restroom so happy to live in a community

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

A drunk ass customer that looked like a young Son of Sam was quoting Emily Dickinson at me over the bar tonight. NY is back, baby!

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Had someone give me the old “don’t worry, it’s all in your head” routine. Motherfucker, so am I.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

I was 27 before I knew that allspice wasn’t the name for the hive mind we join when the people of the world choose to spice up their collective lives

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

Growing up, my mom was right about most stuff but she was way off on that whole ‘you’ll spoil your appetite’ concept.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

A close friend invited me over to their house for a delicious dinner tonight and then got all weird at me when I was leaving probably because I only tipped like 12%.

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Kid Presentable @mikeybaltimore

4 years ago

It’s been windy as fuck all night. The neighbors have all exchanged garbage cans while fast asleep. The cheap patio furniture is way up the block now and I’m not chasing it.