My Mini Memoir @not_a_bird_nope
names have been changed to protect the innocent. and guilty. United States Joined August 2018-
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me watching a couple eating ice cream on their (very obviously) first date while I sit in my car eating forbidden fries, crying to Perfume Genius songs: awww he likes herrr
Me: I am lonely, but I don’t know how to be with people. Also, being with myself is not so great. I’d say my bed is my best friend. My therapy turtle:
It is with great sadness that I write to inform you I am again very depressed.
After a nightmare I went into my mom’s room, but in the dark her open mouth made her look like the alien in my dream so I went back to my room and hid under my covers and stayed awake until morning.
My mom hated one of my high school boyfriends so badly that she paid her psychic friend, Cheryl from the bar, to do a reading for me. Guess who Cheryl saw breaking my heart in the not so distant future? Yep. But that’s beside the point.
I remember the way her hand looked like a doll’s holding the lipstick brush. She held her mouth a way and rested a pinkie on my chin as she pressed her lips together and said, go like this. I felt her breath in little puffs as she worked. Coffee and a Winston.
On Wednesdays my dad took me to McDonald’s before he brought me home. If it was a pay week, we’d walk across to Eckerd Drugs after and I’d pick a toy. My favorite was a tiny chalk board with one piece of yellow chalk and a small square sponge. He wrote “STEPHIE”on it.
I wanted to be a Brownie (mini Girlscout) so badly. No. Scratch that. I wanted A brown apron with pockets, socks with orange tassels, a little round hat and a little gold stick-pin.
The first time I got pregnant, I took my mom to Epcot to tell her. We were eating Disney nachos at the Mexico restaurant when a kid ran around our table squealing. She tipped her purse over on the floor to trip him,so I waited till she went home and told her on the phone instead.
But have you ever dozed-off reading a book and woken up with your thumb still keeping the page?
I found a paper my grandma wrote when she was in college about two lovers who couldn’t be together. In the end you find out they are pieces from different tea sets on a shelf and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever read, so I turned it in and got an A in English.
How is it I am in love with everything and nothing all at once?
When I was a kid, my cat got his head stuck in an empty can of Clam Chowder and instead of freaking out, he sat down on the counter and stared straight ahead flicking his tail around. I probably waited a little too long, but I saved him.
I was an 90’s teen and my mom bought me LA Gears and a see-through/light-up phone, but she could not buy me what I craved most which was bangs taller than Nichole Panullo’s.
My dad had boots that zipped on the side. On Wednesdays we would get to his house and I’d help him take them off. He would moan and groan and act like me pulling them was agony and then I’d fall back when they finally let go of his feet and we’d both laugh about it. Every time.
Twelve years after my grandpa died, my grandma found love again with a man named Frank who owned his own limousine company and they went to church together in a white limo on Sundays until he proposed and a week later had a heart-attack. Ain’t that some shit?
My mom put me in the back seat of our Taurus and drove around after dark one night looking for the house someone told her Burt Reynolds was staying in while shooting a film. We didn’t find it, but I still wonder what she would’ve done if we had.
When I walked by the school this morning watched through a classroom window as a teacher held out a tiny baby for all of the students gathered around smiling and cooing over the little bundle. That’s all. It just made me happy.
Lucinda from down the street moved to Carefree, Arizona when I was in fifth grade and I always thought that sounded like a good place to move.
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[putting a houseplant in the window] say hi to your buddies you piece of shit
@eff_yeah_steph I'm going to write Merriam-Webster and inform them of this incredible discovery
god: you’ll be man’s best friend dog: cool! god: but sometimes they won’t let you on the furniture dog: oh no why? god: their vibes are off dog: huh? god: ˢᵘᵖᵉʳ ᵇᵃᵈ ᵛⁱᵇᵉˢ
[Indian restaurant] Me: [tears streaming down face] excuse me I asked for the mild dish. Waiter: oh no I’m so sorry! Me: [coughing and hacking and crying]. Waiter: what did he eat? Wife: the bread.
Personal Trainer: what’s your favorite machine? Me: that one Personal Trainer: but that’s the automatic door- Me: *already leaving* BYE!
Arizonans with bronchitis b like "yes but it's a DRY cough"
@not_a_bird_nope @eff_yeah_steph Whatever you're going through, you've got this 🖤
I did the thing where I let my 2½-year-old nephew take over my Animoji and he mostly had one question
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
a guy just told me “I like to think Saras and Sarahs have a secret blood feud going on like the werewolves and vampires in those Underworld movies” and i said oh it’s no secret. there WILL be blood
Investor: after spending millions of dollars on this investment, I’m so excited to finally see real live dinosaurs Me: *about to dramatically open the gates to Giraffic Park* ...dinosaurs?
Gang, we've done 2019 before. Several times. It keeps getting reset and we keep falling for it. Let's skip it and go straight to 2020 this time (which we have also done before, and that also keeps getting reset, but it's cool because POGS come back for a while)
Raul is one of those names where every letter sounds like it's trying to be in charge.
Is it actually time for me to make major, life changing decisions or am I having a manic episode: a memoir
[When your mom calls you by your full name] Mom: Scoobert Doobert! Scooby: Ruh roh
Maybe one day we'll even see a white christian pro-gun republican president
@craftycatmom I very am and I am literally preheating the oven right now so
@craftycatmom I love you, get your ass over here RIGHT fuckin NOW and eat pizza with me
@not_a_bird_nope As a man I am ashamed to read about incidents like this, some men were raised by mom's who showed us what it is to respect women, it's everything, this needs to stop, men let's hold each other accountable
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