City of Prattville @prattvillenews

Dumb fat fucks who don’t understand they’re being served cafeteria food rejected by schools at Uncle Mick’s downtown restaurant continue to eat like pigs at a slop trough.

Prattville city council considers ending diplomatic relations with Millbrook over the controversial “corn incident”. This marks the highest levels of tensions between the two cities since the Treaty of Bass Pro ended the devastating Lifted Truck War of 2008.

Prattville Mayor unveils research into mysterious and elusive mayor of Wetumpka. The revealed dossier simply states: “Origin unknown. Power level unknown.”

Prattville grid brownout determined to be caused by a rabies infected Chevy S-10 ramming full speed into junction switch.

Mayor declared local Olive Garden “culturally significant”, often serving “real” food.

Truck enthusiast and local grits legend Skip Couch, shocked that he cannot drive 185 MPH down Cobbs Ford RD. “It don’t make sense. I got the truck.”

Pothole Watch: Entire PHS basketball team bus vanished with 22 aboard on Hwy 82. Kevin Bacon has been consulted on potential “Graboids” surfacing in Autauga County.

New restaurant serving swamp moss and roadkill considered “a delicacy” by deranged local meth-head and food critic Kyler H. Miller.

Local small business owner irate at inflation: “I can’t underpay and abuse my fucking staff like I used to.”

Recently elected city councilman disrupts weekly meeting by farting directly into his microphone for a record 14 minutes before being subdued by Sheriff Dept.

Local Books-A-Million confuses the city of Prattville, as most don’t know what do to with books or what they are. In unrelated news, more of PHS funding diverted to sports program, possum research, and proper truck lift kit installation.

After a long line at the new Chik-Fil-A location, disappointed local residents regret causing fatal stampede, as they discovered, “It’s just more damn chicken sandwiches.”

Pothole watch: Bama Lanes parking lot potholes threaten to swallow 20 square miles. Some residents believe a subterranean creature is tunneling to the surface. Odd chanting heard at bottom of potholes. More on this as it develops.

Mayor’s Office: “Anyone driving a Carolina squat vehicle will be given the label ‘turbo virgin’ within city limits.”

City planning out of ideas as 150th car wash built within city limits.

Local possum enthusiast eaten by mutant possum living inside scenic cotton gin. Residents urged indoors while the city council debates using F-16 air strike to subdue the beast. Reminder of the local honey-fest coming May 12! (Unrelated to prior bee incident at Target)

Swarm of bees released inside Target by local supervillain.

Bamboo forest no longer the most chill spot in town to smoke weed, police say. Police Dept. stated, “We want all our residents to enjoy the good kush in the most chill spot in town. [Bamboo trail] is by far the most chill spot we smoke at. It’s sad. Nobody wants to hang out.”

Local high school to be bulldozed into a new sports stadium/subdivision concept. “Fuck it, why not,” says Alabama Board of Education.

A senior council member caught looking into a large mirror for sixteen hours at local Wal-Mart.