Derelicte @thefailedstate

my life is in shambles Canada Joined June 2010

Tweets

3K
Followers

384
Following

1K
Likes

40K

FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud

a year ago

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

66 2K 48K 1.8M 664

Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau

a year ago

date: so… you just adopted 3 chipmunks as your children? dave seville: no, no that’d be crazy. I’m also their band manager

69 10K 148K 4.4M 2K

Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86

10 years ago

[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night [Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning [Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened

122 10K 34K 0 565

pat tobin @tastefactory

8 months ago

“Honey how many French toast sticks do we need?” “I don’t know, like 90-105 I’d say? Actually you know what, just to be safe grab another 3.5 pounds”

2 17 384 15K 13

Download Image

Liberal Lisa in Oklahoma @lisa_liberal

8 months ago

Everyone: WE ALL WITNESSED WHAT HAPPENED ON JANUARY 6TH WITH OUR OWN EYES AND EARS. Trump and Republicans: YOUR EYES AND EARS ARE WRONG. WE’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD BELIEVE.

Trump Lie Tracker (Commentary) @MAGALieTracker

8 months ago

Everyone: WE ALL WITNESSED WHAT HAPPENED ON JANUARY 6TH WITH OUR OWN EYES AND EARS. Trump and Republicans: YOUR EYES AND EARS ARE WRONG. WE’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD BELIEVE.

2K 1K 3K 272K 341

Download Video

12 42 82 2K 1

oldfriend99 @oldfriend99

9 months ago

Reminder: This has been debunked. he was scooping the food back into the tray

19 205 5K 115K 82

Download Image

Jizzlane Maxxxwell @dankcharnley

a year ago

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

9 160 608 30K 14

Olly iConic @OllyiConic

3 years ago

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body me: you should see the other guy doctor: what other guy me: only i can see him

16 876 8K 0 81

Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly

3 years ago

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

4 56 148 0 1

Katie D @KatieDeal99

2 years ago

I bet I would be so good at hibernating

20 283 692 34K 3

Niki @NikiWithIssues

13 years ago

It's okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I'm "crazy."

12 392 543 0 2

Genius idea: I am going to buy Coca-cola and rename it Z. Then change the formula until it is unrecognizable and unpleasant to swallow for instance instead of water i will use hot piss. The everything beverage

38 174 2K 47K 7

ally @missmayn

2 years ago

don’t worry guys. the climate change hurricanes will put out the climate change fires.

231 8K 60K 2.3M 458

FuzzInvasion @FuzzInvasion

2 years ago

Twitter fun fact! If you're one of the few remaining Twitter advertisers, your money goes directly to fund human trafficking.

43 5K 20K 783K 205

Download Image

bipolar bear @BipolarBearDick

2 years ago

Do rich people still drive around eating mustard?

157 290 1K 84K 3

wolf pupy @wolfpupy

2 years ago

wearing a wig doesn't make you better at pinball, it simply gives you the confidence to be better at pinball. i'm not saying this as the owner of both the pinball barcade and the wig store, i'm saying it as a friend.

0 29 163 16K 2

Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life

11 years ago

HO_SE BOAT I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

35 1K 3K 0 9

Dx: Moonstruck @moonstruckinnyc

2 years ago

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

4 163 307 20K 7

Daniel Spenser @DanSpenser

2 years ago

Every Mission: Impossible movie should end with Tom Cruise saying "I guess that mission was possible after all" and then we see the title card but now it say "Mission: Possible" and that "tonight's gonna be a good night" song by Black Eye Peas starts playing.