Gentleman Asshat @General_Asshat
I'm an asshat. I suppose that about covers it. the not so distance future. Joined April 2009-
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I walked in on a room full of people masturbating the other day. They looked surprised when I didn't stop.
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Never call a woman crazy. She will say, "I'm not crazy!", and then do something crazy, like throw a can of soup at your head.
Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where tacos live.
It's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a sex machine.
I have a pretty big ass. So when I half ass something, you are still getting something pretty impressive.
Fuck Off Pie: 1 cup of no one cares A dash of kiss my ass A pinch of fuck your's A dollop of blow me Stir and shove it up your ass.
Some of y'alls birthstones is crystal meth and or shows.
I bet it's called almond milk because no one can say nut juice with a straight face.
A telemarketer called and asked to speak to the person who runs the house. I handed the phone to my 3 yr old & went back to reading my book.
I'm trying to be a better person, but some people are fucking testing me.
When I offer to wash your back just answer "yes" or "no". Not all this, "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.
Whenever it rains my wife just stands by the window looking sad. Maybe I should let her in.
Your family tree must be a cactus, cause everyone on it is a prick.
People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way.
The last think I want to do is hurt you. But don't worry, it's still on my list.
I don't have a type. If I like you, your pretty special, because I hate everyone.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 days. Then I realized I was just masturbating.
The next time someone says, "No offense " after insulting you, beat the shit out of them and say, "No harm done. "
tazz @noneofyours99
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🔮👑🐝
You can't spell disappointment without men. Send gift cards to goddess[at]https://t.co/ocD4y9lGBo | https://t.co/4i6GQGjs4k](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1145921624509571072/CHefwU-i.jpg)
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