Manatee Jack @ManateeJack
My life has been a series of events. I am very rarely here. Joined January 2012-
Tweets394
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Followers1K
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Following1K
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Likes7K
Manatee Jack retweeted
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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*job interview* Interviewer: "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" Me: "Skills"
Manatee Jack retweeted
Me: So you're gonna let me sleep tonight? Brain: Yup! Me: No weird shit? Brain: No weird shit … Me: Zzzzzz… Brain:
Lying naked in the shower in the fetal position
Lying naked in the shower in the fetal position
Manatee Jack retweeted
[In football huddle] "What do you guys think happens when we die?"
Nephew, reading old Penthouse mag: What is brine? Me: Can you use it in a sentence? Him: I shot my salty ball brine... Me: Gimme that!
Manatee Jack retweeted
Saw someone with "my warm up is your work out" shirt. Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning so fuck you.
Manatee Jack retweeted
[first date] HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings. ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.
Manatee Jack retweeted
I've told you before, Darren, don't enter my cubicle on days when I'm wearing my prom dresss.
Manatee Jack retweeted
mostly I spend my time sitting on a bench at the mall hoping someone will think I'm their boyfriend or dad and briefly, mistakenly love me
Saw the Mona Lisa of fake tropical plants today. Where are the awards for these people? Well done. Well done.
Black shades, white gloves, Lookin' sharp and lookin' for a clean, discrete partner interested in creating various types of human gravies.
Deciding how much facial hair to grow is the most challenging problem of our generation.
Manatee Jack retweeted
"Please let go of my hair" -my gynaecologist
Manatee Jack retweeted
No matter how many times you sigh, I'm still not going to ask you what's wrong.
I need a camera in my kitchen. I don't know what kind of sandwich I made at 3am but apparently it involved a blender and an electric wok.
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