Paul Rudnick @PaulRudnickNY
Novelist, playwright, essayist and screenwriter, whom the New York Times has called, “one of our pre-eminent humorists.” Illustration by Tom Bachtell paulrudnick.com New York, NY Joined September 2015-
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Trump claims he's not sleeping during his trial:
Trump's reportedly angry at his lawyer Todd Blanche for not being nasty enough, telling him: "More Todd, less Blanche" "Call the jury Mexican drug dealers and commies" "Scream that the judge is trying to judge me" "Slap the bailiff for looking at me" "Where's the spittle"
Trump wants to "monitor women's pregnancies" to arrest them if they seek abortions, while Kristi Noem thinks 10-year-old rape victims should be forced to give birth, or be jailed. This is the mainstream Republican Party, where cruelty is the platform
Elise Stefanik's filed an ethics complaint against Jack Smith, because: - He didn't find her a prom date, even after she agreed to buy her own corsage - He refused to sign her birthday card or let her sign it for him - He won't let her wear his varsity jacket
Eric Trump joined his Dad in court today, the only family member yet. Because: - He was promised a pudding pop - Ivanka kept saying, "You go. It's not like you have a life" - Lara tricked him by saying, "there's a pony" - He keeps waiting for the Law&Order music
The paperback edition of my novel, FARRELL COVINGTON AND THE LIMITS OF STYLE, is available today! I'm so grateful to anyone who's already read the book, but why not collect it in all formats - watch out, Taylor Swift
On Fox Kayleigh McEnany said people "look back to 3 years ago and remember the good days of President Trump." Of course, Biden was president then. Kayleigh studied math with Lara Trump, animal husbandry with Kristi Noem and journalism with a tree stump
Kimberly Guilfoyle's written a children's book called The Princess and Her Pup. It's about: - Her erotic journey with Don Jr - That weekend at Kristi Noem's farm - Wearing the shower curtain - Typing with press-on nails - Your publicist convincing you not to hold the book naked
Trump's asked Kari Lake to spend less time at Mar-a-Lago. Because: - She steals towels and flatscreens - He caught her using his pants as a cabana - She calls room service imitating Melania - Nude sleepwalking through lobby - Slap fights with Lindsey Graham over pool boys
Kristi Noem says by killing her dog she was "acting responsibly." Also: - Dog barked at her hair extensions - Dog knew more words - Dog had a better chance of becoming Trump's VP - Dog had friends - Dog stole Kristi's chew toys - Dog called Kristi's jewelry "mall crap"
Lindsey Graham's morning: - Smooth duvet - Check to make sure balls are in Trump's pocket - Condemn abortion, immigration and hippies - Catfish Josh Hawley by flirting online as "Fifi LaRue" - Buy Mother's Day necklace from Melania's website for MeeMaw's skeleton
Trump and DeSantis met in FL today. To discuss: - If Ron had any cash on him - If Ron could keep documents in his car - Whether Ron would mud-wrestle Ted Cruz at a fundraiser - Ron catching a french fry in his mouth - Ron tutoring Lara Trump in math - Ron fetching a tennis ball
Eric Trump told Maria Bartiromo that thanks to the Dems "you can't go into CVS to buy skin lotion because it's locked behind plexiglass." Eric was buying lotion for: - His hand modeling career - Lonely Saturday nights - His Dad's Xmas stocking in prison - A tax deduction
In her book Kristi Noem not only writes about shooting her dog but also a "nasty goat." In a career-saving move, she adds, "But Marjorie Taylor Greene has fully recovered"
Authenticated photo of Kristi Noem asking, "There's a dead animal on my head? Did I shoot it? What are you talking about?"
Mike Johnson calls himself "the new Moses." At my seder he asked these 4 questions: "Am I your favorite gentile?" "Will you show me your pot of gold?" "Can I put mayonnaise on matzoh?" "When do we sing the dreidel song?"
"Duane, come get me. Kristi Noem's wandering around with a shotgun, Lauren Boebert grabbed my butt and Lara Trump just asked if I'm the senator from West Carolina. Marsha Blackburn's pouring rubbing alcohol into her latte and Marjorie Taylor Greene called me a socialist. Help!"
When standing next to the dog murdering Kristi Noem, Kari Lake: - Stopped barking - Frisked her for guns and Milk Bones - Offered her paw - Confided, "I once killed a bottle of whiskey" - Told her, "Lassie can be annoying" - Said, "You're like the daughter I left on the highway"
Uh-oh: Lara, the Dumbest Trump, has a rival. Lara said there are 81 states but Trump lawyer Alina Habba just referred to "the blue state of Manhattan." It's weird because both ladies were Geography majors at Trump University
Married Christian Kristi Noem shot her dog and had an adulterous affair with Corey Lewandowski. I'm not calling it a love triangle gone wrong, I'm just saying someone really wants her own episode of Dateline
George Hahn @georgehahn
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39 Followers 963 Following https://t.co/poNUT3KacN is a fantastic Fashion Designer. Pure Quality with 10% discount and World wide shipping available here.P.A.L @le61968
686 Followers 836 Following Democracy dies in the dark,vote blue and grow our country with Love,compassion and empathy .💙🌊🌊🌊💙🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲💙🌊🌊🌊💙madam X @Tracycoulter14
3K Followers 5K Following DON'T DM ME! DEMOCRAT#LOVE IS LOVE 🌈 BLM# BLUEWARRIOR!💘 my son 💙 #LOVEALL #FUCK GQP🫂VAXXED 3TIMES Keep loving and learning DAILY.Sunny 101.7 Canton @Sunny1017Canton
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388 Followers 570 Following I see trees of green. Red roses, too. I see them bloom, for me and for you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. 🌍expletive deleted @punkmeyer
846 Followers 1K Following The christofascist far-right is a cancer in need of excising. No DMs. No cam girls. I'm not here to purchase, donate or promote.tajones 🇺🇸🇺�.. @ceili_woman
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44 Followers 34 Followingedward valentino @edwardv86218531
6 Followers 10 FollowingTeeB @Travis_Burton
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6 Followers 385 Following You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you’re going to go to bed with satisfaction.Gwenda Whitley @GwendaW89212
31 Followers 450 Following You learn more from failure than from success. Don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character.terribvlahovich @terribvlahovich
191 Followers 449 FollowingJavier Gomez @Javier1232g
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193K Followers 9K Following A personal account in which I speak for myself rather than for the federal government. For official announcements, please follow @RepRitchie.S. E. Hinton @se4realhinton
57K Followers 124 Following writer for a long, long time Supernatural fan horsewoman wife mother friendchristian lewis (they.. @clewisreviews
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15K Followers 532 Following Done getting new headshots, feel free to use that aging filter thingy #instagram @thejuliaduffy #itstheguns #palmroyale @appletv 🌴👑 watch to the end!!Douglas Stuart @Doug_D_Stuart
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22K Followers 223 FollowingLindsay Mendez @LindsayMendez
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181.7M Followers 585 FollowingJamie Lee Curtis @jamieleecurtis
768K Followers 217 Following @jamieleecurtis Facebook @curtisleejamie InstagramJenny Boylan 🍯 @JennyBoylan
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81K Followers 902 Following KATE Cinnamon in the Wind/ Hulu Would It Kill You to Laugh?/ PeacockRobert Picardo @RobertPicardo
276K Followers 383 Following Actor, collectible, Planetary Society Board Member and host of The Planetary Post. https://t.co/w2u1NLFuCdBrock Colyar @UnhappyFem
7K Followers 3K Following features writer & resident party girl @nymag / are u coming? / ASME Next / [email protected]NotTheHoneyBees @notthehoneybees
1K Followers 1K Following Lady Jessica saved my life. Can be found at https://t.co/34JytkfR9G 18+please@zachsilberberg This is more of a sidebar, but the 1944 movie Double Indemnity is set in 1938 so audiences wouldn't ask why the able bodied Fred MacMurray's character wasn't fighting overseas instead of fucking around with Barbara Stanwyck in Los Angeles.
My group chat used to be like “where are we getting fucked up this weekend” and now it’s like “which part of your body hurts the most today?”
This is reprehensible. Donald Trump doesn’t trust women. I do.
Trump says he wants to let states “monitor women's pregnancies so they can know if they've gotten an abortion”
Ever since I noticed how many people in interviews and podcasts start answers with the word "so," it has been driving me crazy. Because it is SO often.
I first started work on the California Girl album in early 1970 and finally finished it three decades later! It was released 22 years ago on this date. It's one of my favorites and damn good record, if I do say so myself!🍊 Stream👉 nancysinatra.komi.io
After the writers strike stopped our filming we are back in production on the Netflix adaptation of my memoir, Pink Marine. I’m sorry for all the shows that didn’t come back.
Trump keeps telling the lie that he's being prosecuted "by Biden." False. Four different grand juries, made up of ordinary citizens, voted to indict him after reviewing substantial evidence that he had committed crimes. That's how the criminal justice system works.
You win.
That has always been my definition of a hero. The man’s a warrior.
Jeanine: He goes to a Kentucky Fried Chicken or Chick-fil-A. They cheer him. This man is a hero
Turns out “I shot my puppy dead” isn’t the book sales flex Kristi Noem thought
When I was about 9 years old I wrote Carol Burnett a fan letter, and not yet fully understanding the concept of fandom I wrote: Dear Carol, I love you, you are my biggest fan. Sincerely, Jamie DuMont And she wrote back: Dear Jamie, You are correct. Love, Carol
“Mary Jane”: What an immaculate production, in the best sense. Staggering.
On one of the older subway trains, we only gradually passed another older train, riding parallel with it as a saxophonist began to play in the middle of our car. It was like being transported, for a rhythmic little bit, into a more relaxing past.
yessss the rumors are truueee I just badly stubbed ANOTHER toe in a way that will inevitably turn my toenail a weird color permanentlyyyy thank youuuuu ❤️❤️❤️
What an excellent novel: "Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style" by Paul Rudnick. Awesome writing, wonderful story, AND hilarious. Cannot recommend enough.
If only alienating everybody who has an influence over your career could be considered a skill
Happy 84th birthday to Al Pacino, one of our greatest actors. And a reminder that my close personal friend Glenn Kenny's THE WORLD IS YOURS: THE STORY OF SCARFACE will be out on May 7, and it's going to be a must-read! amazon.com/World-Yours-St…
"This meticulous examination of 'Scarface 'is a wildly enjoyable ride..." Kirkus Reviews "Readers will be spellbound" — Publisher's Weekly "Riveting" — Library Journal "Comprehensive" — Booklist Preorder "The World Is Yours: The Story of 'Scarface'" here: amazon.com/World-Yours-St…