Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

I'm a Jacobish oaf. http://t.co/2PDHBenn likeregularchickens.tumblr.com Columbus, OH Joined April 2010

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

2 years ago

Someone About to Orgasm When They Realize How to Get Revenge on Their Arch-Nemesis: (normal voice) Oh my god, I’m going to (stage whisper) give them their (normal voice) come (stage whisper) uppance…

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

Grape Nuts is so filling because when your body considers being hungry again, it will immediately fear that you will feed it Grape Nuts.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

(at the grocery store buying Grape Nuts) “I don’t need to like things!”

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

(Meanwhile, at a different tree across town) Godot: Where the hell are Vladimir and Estragon…?

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

I want to do a play called Werthering Heights where it’s a stage production of Brontë’s classic but everyone’s mouths are full of caramels.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

Me every time a new malady from aging befalls me: “Wait, THAT was the good life??”

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

More like “FitzBOATraldo.”

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

I can’t believe conservatives oppose abortion. It’s basically a Stand Your Ground law for a uterus.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

Maybe conservatives would be more in favor of abortion if we convinced them that a gun was somehow involved.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

3 years ago

I am deeply upset about today’s Supreme Court decision (and several other ones from the past few weeks/months/years). But I am also someone who filters everything through (attempted) humor. So:

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

4 years ago

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you wipe.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

4 years ago

“Daddy, can I help?” is the sound of a project that’s about to take three times longer than it’s supposed to.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

4 years ago

How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PÂTÉ!

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

4 years ago

My wife has four different shampoo and conditioner sets in the shower whereas I use a single 4-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash/toothpaste.

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Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf

4 years ago

(at my first therapy session) Therapist: Okay, we have a couple of observers today. I’d like you to meet the girl you had a crush on sophomore year and the teacher you called Mom in 5th grade.