john is toast @johnistoasted
follow my main @frazzlemygimp also @gohomepod Brooklyn, NY Joined June 2018-
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I dont use this app anymore because i dont like watching people die from hammers but if you live in new york come to this show Tick link: eventbrite.com/e/john-kennedy…
So crazy that Julius Caesar had that line queued up when Brutus stabbed him. If my friend stabbed me id say something like “Ow Ben” or “Whats gotten into you Ben”
Shoot him and make it look like a suicide
I know this isnt a script but in real life i have a standup show on friday in brooklyn. If you live in new york you should come instead of spending time on this app. Its 10 bucks but if u cant afford it just dm me eventbrite.com/e/john-kennedy…
When I first started writing a movie about Oppenheimer, I never would have thought Christopher Nolan would buy the story from me. We’ve come a long way from my original script versus what made it to screen.
If you can afford doordash more than twice a week you deserve the trauma of your best friend dying in your arms
this is clearly not Damar Hamlin right
If you go to the meadowlands escape room in new jersey and you get to the part where youre holding a stick with a hook at the end of it, DO NOT use it to grab a loose wire on the ceiling. they get pissed AND they dont pause the timer when they come in with a ladder to untangle it
and they have these huge fucking claws that just tear through flesh. Jamie pull up the video of the biker getting attacked by the grizzly bear. I mean can you imagine staring this thing in the face? Jesus in headphones and t shirt: i mean its eyes alone are giving me nightmares
(already with 4 buzzers just from them asking me about myself) What is a cows favorite moooovie shit wait i meant what is pulp fiction to every cow
[Drinking diet cokes in his underwear and pointing the gun at the mirror] “put the girl down joker”
[Drinking diet cokes in his underwear and pointing the gun at the mirror] “put the girl down joker”
Elon hired me earlier this week to transcribe everything people are saying at Twitter HQ. Here is the last 24 hours
Theres a Karate school on my block that records the sound from inside the class and plays it outside to get peoples attention and a kid just broke his hand on a 2x4
In 2019 while working for the Chicago Bulls, I wrote an episode of The Last Dance and pitched it to director Jason Hehir. He told me that it was a documentary based on a real team. Here is my script he rejected
Kirby voiced by mitch mcconnell: i sucked up a construction worker and now i got a little hard hat
You remember when chuck e cheese would put old pizza slices together and say its a new pizza thats the government
I thought people would be more on board with my Construction Day idea
Ear wax is just sound that didn’t get in all the way
pikaboob @pikacap
497K Followers 551 Following I like boobs, memes, sports, and stocks. sign up for the best free finance newsletter below 👇
Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 712 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/her
Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elon
Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25
Matt Post @MattPostSaysHi
76K Followers 2K Following I make dumb jokes on here and everywhere. Pre WGA. Screenwriting Rep: Zero Gravity Management (He/Him)
phil @PhilJamesson
84K Followers 986 Following my job is writing funny things for cool stuff | comedy for @DibsNext, @adultswim, @nerial, @dropout | mgmt: [email protected]
m@thew @TweetPotato314
44K Followers 598 Following retired: @tweetpotato314 ︎new: https://t.co/eGYheQADS5 personal: @antelopish
fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 890 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGraham
Saddington 3 (in prod.. @2Saddington
17K Followers 2K Following If you’re reading this, watch Paddington 2 • she/her •
Rads @_radsy
35K Followers 942 Following Everything in moderation, except for snacks. https://t.co/5nYXnwFkTs
dan mentos @DanMentos
88K Followers 652 Following
Jack @Frieda711091614
55 Followers 1K Following I am a lively and cheerful girl who would like to meet a good friend.
Gaye @DonnaRodri54868
6 Followers 0 Following
james @james29852964
6 Followers 14 Following
Edrisa Colley @colley_edr2393
133 Followers 1K Following
Alex @alexcrow225
430 Followers 4K Following chaotic dumbass. most of my tweets are jokes. #luigiformortalkombat
qian @qiantwiter
3 Followers 26 Following
ARWEN @ArwenAylsworth
452 Followers 404 Following "You can judge a nation, and how successful it will be, based on how it treats its women and its girls." —President Obama
Anthony @theant117
1 Followers 203 Following
Dabaddestgyall @Dabaddestgyal3
0 Followers 282 Following
Joe Kelly @Therealjoek
358 Followers 268 Following Just a guy who does things with people everyday. It's pretty fulfilling.
☭ Captain Morgan's .. @girl_frotter
42 Followers 279 Following She/her, real human being who enjoys normal human activities like drink water and heartbeat
powerviolinist @powervioli74447
530 Followers 1K Following Music is life. That’s why our hearts have beats🥁
Tom Stevens @TomStev80936160
0 Followers 28 Following
(✿◠‿◠) @skirtzten
645 Followers 754 Following
Karl Anthony Clowns @TooMuchPancakes
722 Followers 4K Following #Skol #RaisedByWolves #WeBelieveInTC #mnwild
Paula @paurassiga
61 Followers 389 Following
Songletter @SongLetter2
2K Followers 3K Following Obsessed with music. Building: https://t.co/nT0eDSg5Gi
bobblecap @bobblecap960191
0 Followers 254 Following
Billy Binion @billy2kid45
21K Followers 17K Following Husband, father, grandfather, happily married. Christ follower…No DMs. keep God first. Titan’s, Cowboys,Vols & Red Sox. Ham radio KQ4FLU
hint @vsphint
4 Followers 17 Following
Abby @abbzzz98
2 Followers 27 Following
abe shapiro @abeshapiro3
281 Followers 332 Following
The All American @DavidStandal
974 Followers 594 Following Comedian | Host | Fargo | Cellar Comedy Club | Drop in Podcast | Alf | The Troll Lounge | 701 | The Reggae Monkee 95.9FM Weds 10-Noon |
Lorrainekirk89 @lorrainekirk89
283 Followers 540 Following
alyssa hei @youreseethrough
337 Followers 803 Following lake superior ✧ outdoor nut, hikin’ junkie, happy camper, gardenin’ geek, yoga flexin’ nerd, agate pickin’ dweeb, vinyl collectin’ dork ✧ #hikethatSHT
Passing Afternoon @siddharthnic
92 Followers 840 Following Sometimes science is more art than science. Lot of people don't get that( Rick and Morty fan boy)
Turner West @donhyphy
871 Followers 2K Following a big fan of sound // ▪️.dark and sparkly.✨// LD // hmngbrd productions [email protected]
Dhritiman Debnath @dhritiman93
112 Followers 124 Following "The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences"
Alycia Castillo @alycia_castillo
1K Followers 2K Following “Not a fan of incarceration” -The Austin Chronicle. @txcivilrights and @equityactionatx. She/her(s). #txlege 88R SEVVIE award recipient.
newell @neilliousnelly
87 Followers 834 Following
drlearnalot, RL voodo.. @DrLearnALot
16K Followers 18K Following Writer, Filmmaker. I call us "citizen protagonists." #MedicareForAll Socialist. I want you to have health care, even if you're a dick.
H @H95285262
2 Followers 23 Following
Jared Moskowitz @verylegitjared
443 Followers 244 Following @VeryLegitLLC Founder/CEO | Very Obscure Comedian | Download DripDrop ⬇️⬇️⬇️ he/him
Hmmm @Rockomiah
1 Followers 410 Following
Kathryn Wilt @kathryn_wilt
15 Followers 50 Following
gothunicorn @oprahluvr420
112 Followers 107 Following Geeky hipster with an obsession for vintage vinyl and craft beer.
Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 712 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/her
m@thew @TweetPotato314
44K Followers 598 Following retired: @tweetpotato314 ︎new: https://t.co/eGYheQADS5 personal: @antelopish
Celebrities Last Word.. @CelebsLastWords
465 Followers 2 Following posting what celebrities said right before they died
Katya @katya_zamo
1.1M Followers 1K Following Tall creative young woman in her early forties looking to fall in love in the next three months. WORKING GIRLS out now👇🏼
Heeere’s Johnny Ber.. @JohnnyBerchtold
132K Followers 620 Following Scary stuff and acting. he/him IG: johnnyberchtold
david @_elvishpresley_
33K Followers 853 Following writer @PencilmationYT | cartoonist @NewStatesman
Caleb Synan @calebsynan
6K Followers 881 Following Hey it’s me. Caleb. I'm a comedian and an idiot. Listen to my podcast 👇 @whatsitpodI dont use this app anymore because i dont like watching people die from hammers but if you live in new york come to this show Tick link: eventbrite.com/e/john-kennedy…
So crazy that Julius Caesar had that line queued up when Brutus stabbed him. If my friend stabbed me id say something like “Ow Ben” or “Whats gotten into you Ben”
Shoot him and make it look like a suicide
I messed up.. I bought a random grocery store and told a random person I’d give him $10,000 everyday he lives in it and it’s been weeks and he shows no signs of ever leaving. I’m gonna go broke 😭
I know this isnt a script but in real life i have a standup show on friday in brooklyn. If you live in new york you should come instead of spending time on this app. Its 10 bucks but if u cant afford it just dm me eventbrite.com/e/john-kennedy…
When I first started writing a movie about Oppenheimer, I never would have thought Christopher Nolan would buy the story from me. We’ve come a long way from my original script versus what made it to screen.
If you can afford doordash more than twice a week you deserve the trauma of your best friend dying in your arms
My friend Lucas did standup for dont tell comedy hes very funny go watch it please also what happens after we die i hope its something fun youtu.be/Nd0fkdoCBGY
If Lincoln was alive today he would have a Sirius XM station where rappers freestyle
The movie avatar but instead of fighting for the tree they make signs that say things like fuck walmart
Its cool they just thought she was driving her husbands car
Do we have to pay taxes on Venmo or does the government not know about it
Think about a time you went to a Baseball game. Think about how you paid for parking and blindly looked for a spot. Once you found your spot think about how you walked half a mile to the entrance. You pulled out your phone to find the QR code ticket in your email. You’re…
I figured id post a standup video on here because this app is ruined so if you wanna come see a show just do this google form so i know where i should rent a room at a super 8 motel docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAI…
When we made the first Jimmy Timmy Power Hour my job was to figure out what they first say when they meet each other. Here’s some of the ones that didn’t make it
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