Philosopher King, Oracle @signalborder
R https://t.co/xrjEEfBLwe Remember to reinstall your phase converter to 31° left of center. directly behind you Joined October 2014-
Tweets74K
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Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
on this SVU they found a warehouse full of mummified prostitutes set up around a dining table and benson was like, 'you never get used to it'
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I have asymptomatic Tourette’s syndrome. You know, without the verbal or physical tics. Fuck you, ableists.
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
You ever just stop typing halfway through a reply and realise it just ain’t worth the headache?
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
dance like nobody's horrified
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
Brush your teeth long enough to sing Ratt’s underappreciated debut album in its entirety.
You ever choke on something so bad that for a brief second you see God?
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
If I need a ghost busted, is there anyone I can text or email?
Just think of how much they have to starve those poor cows to give 2% milk.
It was difficult working for the Pinoche regime in Chile. Once I had to waterboard my aunt.
Excuse me, I have to go pick up my nutritionist… and his elderly son.
Excuse me, I have to go to an intervention for my urologist.
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
my therapist is frightened of me and my jar of fog
Sure. I had a ‘no sex with Asians’ rule in the 80s, but one day you walk into Sharper Image and there she is.
You think you've had troubles? I knew a stripper back in the 70s who was put in a dog crate and tossed overboard a yacht for displeasing a sheik.
I hired a new cleaning service. It’s $500 an hour, but worth it.
Once in a while my grandpa used to fly his World War I vintage biplane. He mostly just circled his farm and occasionally tried to drop a brick on the cat.
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
i remember as a kid going to my grandma’s house, walking in the front door & smelling the fresh scents of virginia slims, lemon pledge & marital discord.
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
You can't make this up... No one would believe you.
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
Along with the lake of fire I bet hell is mostly constant construction
Philosopher King, Oracle retweeted
eating a couple silica gel packs to take the edge off
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