Kim G. @kimproper
Cambridge, MA Joined August 2008-
Tweets4K
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Followers1K
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Following274
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Likes8K
What did the left butt cheek say to the right? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
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Kim G. retweeted
I slept with this guy and left him SO speechless, he hasn't been able to call or text since. Still got it!
Saturday night report: just tried to squeeze a whitehead, then realized it was dried peanut butter.
Misheard lyric: "Like a virgin... touched for the thirty-first time..."
"Did you know this quinoa expired in 2009?" The Wooer: "It's fine. It's an *ancient* grain."
Just changed my iPhone lock screen. I feel like a new woman.
Just found out I need knee surgery. At least that's a few days off from work and blowjobs.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.
The Wooer rises abruptly, letting out a substantial fart just as he leaves the room. "I gambled. I gambled, and I lost!"
A grim shadow creeps over The Wooer's face as he stares at his phone. "What's wrong?" I ask. "My butt itches."
"TOUCH THE SCREEN NOT THE BUTTON" —every young person to every old person taking iPhone photos at this rehearsal dinner
Kim G. retweeted
Missed connections for assholes: m.newyorker.com/online/blogs/s…
Celebrating 5 years of telling Stop 'n Shop cashiers, "I forgot my card today; could you scan one?" without ever actually obtaining a card.
While researching wedding ceremonies, I stumbled onto the "unity sandwich" ritual. Obviously will be including this.
It's like 10,000 bottles of cumin when all you need is some cinnamon.
Are new, unused, unwashed pistachios returnable if you can't open them in 30 days?
This poor woman in the pharmacy line... she tells the girl behind the counter, "I need to be filled." I don't think they sell that here. :-/
As a tax-paying citizen, I'd like to purchase adverbs for our road signs… even if change happens slow.
If someone ever tells you "you're one in a million," just remember that still leaves about 7,000 people on the planet just like you.
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