Standard Human @DarkHum0r
Joined June 2014-
Tweets63
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Followers45
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Following153
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Likes319
Standard Human retweeted
I'll start using facebook when they add a *jerk off motion* button
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Mr. Fantastic: Just the tip? Me: No. Mr. F: But- Me: I'm not falling for that again.
Standard Human retweeted
Maybe we would FIND Carmen Sandiego if we stopped delegating that task to CHILDREN.
The fact that there is a word for grown ass men who watch my little pony makes me question the legal system
Standard Human retweeted
Me: "Twitter's not a hobby, Mom, it's my life now!" *Runs upstairs, slams bedroom door. Mom: "Katie, unlock the door. That's our gym now."
Standard Human retweeted
Me - "I had Five Guys for lunch today." Grandma - "Whore."
Standard Human retweeted
Not to brag guys, but I'm an important caller and if I stay on the line, someone will be with me shortly.
Standard Human retweeted
best snapchat lmao
Standard Human retweeted
Eve: I got an Apple. Adam: ... Eve: ... Adam: ... Eve: What? Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Standard Human retweeted
Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
This Fall, go see Little Miss Muffet in.. Fifty Shades of Whey Coming to a theater near you
Standard Human retweeted
"Have you ever been to Spain?" - guy about to tell me how he's been to Spain
Standard Human retweeted
I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.
I told my maid to stop smoking in my house while I was at work, she denied doing it. I filled the swiffer with gasoline. Now we wait.
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