Eliana Kwartler @ElianaKwartler
writer @ColbertLateShow | more than willing to be paid in charcuterie elianakwartler.com Joined July 2013-
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Thank you, as always, to @StephenAtHome for letting me come on and cling desperately to my youth. Written with the actually perfect @asherperlman and produced by the also actually perfect @jonahmeyerson!
Thank you, as always, to @StephenAtHome for letting me come on and cling desperately to my youth. Written with the actually perfect @asherperlman and produced by the also actually perfect @jonahmeyerson!
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As a rule, when @sidleykate says "I have an idea," I always go with it and never ask any questions (except maybe "Can the lady candies have boobies?")
As a rule, when @sidleykate says "I have an idea," I always go with it and never ask any questions (except maybe "Can the lady candies have boobies?")
How funny (and sorry) are @asherperlman and @waltien omg
How funny (and sorry) are @asherperlman and @waltien omg
That millennial was me!
That millennial was me!
Happy belated Twosday! Very wonderful pitch by @SMolinari8 and very soothing pipes by me.
Happy belated Twosday! Very wonderful pitch by @SMolinari8 and very soothing pipes by me.
Eliana Kwartler retweeted
Featuring @ElianaKwartler watching her boo @swagreich absolutely shred
I’m not saying I love this @asherperlman cartoon *because* it features me and @swagreich. But I do and it does!
I’m not saying I love this @asherperlman cartoon *because* it features me and @swagreich. But I do and it does!
Had the most fun talking to @StephenAtHome last night about my two fave topics: fashion and temporal paradox!
Had the most fun talking to @StephenAtHome last night about my two fave topics: fashion and temporal paradox!
Eliana Kwartler retweeted
Youths! Let internet stranger @ElianaKwartler warn you about the dangers of trusting people you don’t know online.
Youths! Let internet stranger @ElianaKwartler warn you about the dangers of trusting people you don’t know online.
It's very important to me that young people know how to be safe online. So if this video goes viral, I will tweet my social security number.
It's very important to me that young people know how to be safe online. So if this video goes viral, I will tweet my social security number.
Eliana Kwartler retweeted
Mine in this week’s New Yorker 🤌
Eliana Kwartler retweeted
Finally playing the part I was born to play: a man carrying a bag of potatoes who bumps into @ElianaKwartler
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Baby's first picket line. @WGAEast @WGAWest #UnionStrong
leave the woman be but also Taylor did u get the salad
It's a lovely Monday for some ~personal news~!!!
When you’re home from the groomer’s and feel very embarrassed that you anxiously pooped on the grooming table.
@ElianaKwartler you made absolutely the right call on boobies
EXT. SKY: PLANE *Goes fast*
top gun SCREENPLAY nomination??? okay!!!
i told my my Uber driver what I do and she said, "I feel like newspapers are not completely done." very encouraging pep talk
Would happily write stuff like this every day forever. @HARVEYGUILLEN knocked it out of the park!
This is truly one of the funniest things our show has ever done. Written by the geniuses @sidleykate and @ElianaKwartler. @HARVEYGUILLEN is the greatest.
Hello I write for The Daily Show now. Here's a picture of me with my new boss.
My cartoon today for The New Yorker
counterpoint: fritz is swimming
Squirmy, silly Fritz! Hippos can't actually float or swim. They push off the bottom and propel themselves to the surface for air.
I could never be an influencer. Instagram grid posts are so exhausting everytime i do one i have to take a nap after i am emotionally spent
Now that More Perfect Union has wrapped, I'm heading to the features desk @PhillyInquirer! I'm interested in relationships, gender, sexuality, how you make + spend money, the unraveling of your institution, the dynamics in your group house -- hit me up!
i am so sad to report that i walked into a coffee shop this morning and the first words i heard spoken aloud by another human being were "You can't be a white christian male at Yale anymore" :(
Stop asking Jewish people when Hanukkah is. We don't know.
Is this what it feels like the second before your Tesla explodes
don’t like the new toothpaste i bought. it is going to be such a long winter
I know Kyrsten Sinema is bisexual but politically she only fucks Democrats.
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