Friday Update @FridayUpdate
Like SNL's Weekend Update, but on Friday. Los Angeles, CA Joined February 2013-
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We're in Vegas. Go find your own jokes. See you next week!
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A man killed his wife by disabling her airbag and crashing into a tree. And he would have gotten away with it if not for the Lorax. #reject
A man may have been inspired by Breaking Bad to kill his girlfriend. When asked the method and victim he replied, "Science, bitch!" #reject
In NYC, Alien & Predator witnessed Weed Man stabbing Beer Man, so stop mocking our fighting superheroes on Hollywood and Highland. #reject
A motorcyclist in Canada was chased by a wolf for nearly a mile, and you thought your commute was bad! #reject
James Gandolfini's autopsy shockingly revealed his blood type was in fact Ragu. #reject
That's all for this week! fav/RT/#ff @FridayUpdate and don't you dare say I'm phoning it in. -Sent from my iPhone
A Texas teen faces jail time because an anonymous Canadian took his jokes out of context-- this week's Fuck It, I'm Done with the Internet.
Man caught with 8000 pot plants only gets probation. Judge returns all 4000 plants, cops celebrate with 4000 "missing" plants. #420
Dozens of journalists hopped on Edward Snowden's 16 hour flight to Cuba, only to find him not onboard. *sniff sniff* Smells like Oscar bait.
An Ohio man high on shrooms ripped off "a chunk" of his own penis with his bare hands. Although vague, that's still about 1 chunk too much.
A mom dressed up like her daughter to take her college placement exams. She was caught after asking for a slide rule and typewriter.
Nik Wallenda walked a high-wire 1400 feet across the Little Colorado River Gorge and thanked Jesus, his safety trainer/balance coach/lover.
United Airlines forgot toilet paper on a 10-hour flight from San Francisco to London, and it was still better than flying @USAirways.
A British cop chased himself 20 minutes due to a CCTV error. The people demand this footage be released and set to Benny Hill music.
Chicago defeated Boston to win Stanley Cup 3-2, which should shut up Boston sports fans until -- YANKEES SUCK -- goddammit.
A 64 y/o carjacker was slowed by his walker, a sad preview of "Fast and Furious 64: These Will Always Make Money."
DOMA and Prop 8 are dead. Said both fans and opponents, "That's so gay!"
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