Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk Drunk Tank Joined May 2009-
Tweets23K
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Followers28K
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Following2K
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Likes693K
I'm not hateful. I still have room for more.
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
Once the thrill of being married to a stripper is over your just left with a person who always has change for five dollars.
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
Cut carbs? Like into smaller pieces?
Pretty sure my death notice will include the phrase: "Alcohol was a factor."
who was the first guy to look at a chicken and think you know what the breasts on that mf would taste awesome
Nothing really prepares you for the stench of children
I'm full of piss and vinegar. Worst. Buffet. Ever.
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
SATAN: Is there any way to make mornings worse? INVENTOR OF THE ALARM CLOCK: I'm about to blow your mind
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
Did you know you can disagree with someone's opinion without being an asshole about it?
Tragically, Jesus was never able to turn water into not getting crucified.
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
Therapist: Allow things to help you grow. Me: Oooh yes, you mean like cake?
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
Midwest peer pressure is when your neighbor just mowed their lawn and you now have 24 hours to respond
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Verifried Drunk™®© retweeted
she was an open book, he was illiterate
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I don't hate any specific race. I just hate running, period.
Since we constantly evolve and change, bring that understanding into relationships and allow those you love the same privileges of change and growth.
Today is an absolutely terrible day to be on Twitter if you hate thinking about dogs dying
While I’m out on my walk, Mrs Steve is down weed-eating around the big pond.
I showed you my artisanal flatbread please respond
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Me: buttering me up won’t work Also me: so how cute did you say my smile is?
I wish the distance between us was larger.
Kids who’d always eat the corner piece of cake are all in jail now
One time this guy told me my eyebrows were on “fleek” & I’ve been searching for that high ever since
God: I love everyone equally Me: what if they don't believe in you? God: THEY'LL END UP IN HELL WHERE THEY WILL SUFFER FOR ETERNITY
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