mug reheater @findmydolls
my handler is on holiday Joined February 2009-
Tweets11K
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Followers3K
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Following248
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Likes85K
Let’s talk about books baby Let’s talk about libraries Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things you can read Let’s talk about books
my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]
vans are rarely seen hunting together
If I was a teen and saw what old people were doing to this country I'd poison myself with laundry detergent too.
Literally no one says “I miss the good ol’ days” except old white men
Be the reason why a priest clutches their bible when they look at you.
I don’t want to eat any carrots when I’m drunk.
[stirring my coffee with my rolled up high school diploma] I'll wash my dishes later
Happy belated birthday to the awesome .@findmydolls - #FF HER NOW. Here’s how I draw her in 37 seconds.
Looking for that special someone who enjoys divisive documentaries and the occasional "swear word" but also bingeing on vintage Mariah Carey.
Him: baby to me you are the world Me: is it because I’m rapidly being destroyed by the thoughtlessness of mankind Him: no I- Me: is it because of my molten hot core
BELL BIV DEVOE: 🎶 That girl is poisooooon NEIL DE GRASSE TYSON: Actually, she's an animal, not a plant, so technically that girl is venom
I wear a crown of thorns, but it's actually just a never-ending migraine.
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams
26K Followers 781 Following Engineer I'm also on BlueSky. Same name.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
B. @AddledPixie
10K Followers 4K Following Currently reading (audiobook) If It Bleeds by Stephen King // Music right now: TTPD // Currently watching Palm Royale; Call the Midwife
🇵🇸 The artist f.. @TheIronSherk
12K Followers 425 Following Chapstick enthusiast, toque-wearer, purveyor of rare yacht rock bootlegs. Prisoner here of my own device. Proud Snow Mexican. Tage.
Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug
75K Followers 16K Following writer of dumb tweets, founder of the @LuvPugFDN for homeless & disabled animals 🐾 🐾🐾Instagram: -luvpugpetcare -harrywaddlebottom -luvpugfoundation
Blimbus Blombo @theoddassity
209 Followers 771 Following God made heaven so he could escape from me.
Àngels Molina @angelsmolina
413 Followers 996 Following Periodista i guionista de tele… i el que calgui / Journalist, Storyteller... and Professional dreamer
Heather Taylor @hmyrga
33 Followers 413 Following
SouthboundPachyderm @demoncleaner66
372 Followers 1K Following Old metal-head,cannabis enthusiast/dopesmoker & atheist. Enjoys craft IPA’s & pets more than human beings.Lives in Philadelphia suburbs & I don’t know anything.
Mitchell @mitch0865
149 Followers 215 Following drum drum drum drum drum call my girls uber can't find my phone
harley wilcox @chloe66237317
86 Followers 616 Following
Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
12K Followers 4K Following If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in http://t.co/PGa2xGXP. To submit a tweet, use http://t.co/dgSEBxyE
D @off_whitecoat
110 Followers 513 Following
Chris Barron @thechrisbarron
129K Followers 106K Following Singer:@SpinDoctorsBand, The Canoes, #Caturday. Booking: [email protected]. 👉🏼Link for shows and all info 👉🏼 https://t.co/CkoGxm2p3j
Gentleman @ROCCOBAROKO
337 Followers 4K Following
jeggoemo @jeggoemo
166 Followers 359 Following
° @Unsaglitch
5 Followers 619 Following
Matthew Brownrigg @widezz
39 Followers 337 Following You have vastly underestimated my commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Stuff Tiny Humans Say @tinyhumanssay
489 Followers 2K Following teacher of tiny humans | mama of tinier human | sometimes funny | usually eavesdropping | always an ally for equality | definitely need to wash my hair.
Rebecca @WFmomlife
728 Followers 2K Following Protect your vote. Legalize it already! 🌱 #FreeMomHugs. Love is love.🏳️🌈 #TexansDeservesBetter #MothersAgainstGregAbbott #ProDemocracy
joe bloggs 🇺🇦 @Baloobbear100
901 Followers 5K Following Older bloke doing what I can to reduce my impact on the environment and keeping as fit as I can ... retweet’s not endorsed ... avi is not me for clarity .. ISFJ
K. Chae @spj0rk
362 Followers 1K Following I SEE YOU. *blink* LA girl in Londontown, incessantly insouciant. Approximately 85% dad jokes.
meinthemidstofmany @meinmidstofmany
399 Followers 343 Following The future is today... (tomorrow actually)
KathyW.🦈💚 @kathy_wyszynski
203 Followers 2K Following Book-lover, educator, reluctant profile writer, mostly invisible, sparklers-for-birthday-candles kinda person
FatBaby @FatBaby68209814
46 Followers 362 Following
Susie @susieach
621 Followers 1K Following Artist, designer, murderino, dog lover, feminist, American Canadian.
Belisario Arguedas @ar_belisario
86 Followers 3K Following
Voyager 3 @beyondvoyager
1K Followers 3K Following When the universe and galaxies were made, my star was in love with yours. 🌠
Dan Lowther @dan_lowther
2K Followers 5K Following La tristesse durera toujours... Backup Account @DanielLowt81258 - for if I get suspended for calling idiots cun-well you get the idea.
spartan.gh @spartangh7
53 Followers 795 Following Health Gov Officials & Agencies Space News Tech Professionals & Reporters Photography DIY & Home Digital Creators Trending Car Culture NHL Travel General News
Timx @Timx17868862
138 Followers 2K Following
Shelley Dean @Shelley69037000
141 Followers 2K Following Am a lady with a good heart cause what i do i do with faith and love
Machokemepls @machokemepls
23 Followers 139 Following
Working Parents Handb.. @HandbookParents
143 Followers 589 Following Helping working moms and dads survive the daily grind with tips, advice, product reviews, original reporting, and more.
Fun E. Tweetwaffler @tweetwaffler
69 Followers 420 Following Shameless Stoner, Mom, Domesticated Human Server, Artist, Expert Level Shenaniganer Come back here, kids, Pretty sure one of you fuckers has my lighter💨
water bottle and mug @Echo71563227
29 Followers 222 Following I am Echo, we are a manufacturer and trading company, specialized in producing all kinds of mugs and water bottles
cryinglikeawinner @CryinLikeAWinnr
732 Followers 1K Following Not special. 38. Living my best life (?) hahaha.
Art House @ArtHous43619034
36 Followers 130 Following Hi there. We design and print different kinds of goods like t-shirt, mug, leggings, towels, i phone cases and lots more. You can find us on https://t.co/B4QR8GGJKR
alex Helsinki @alex_helsinki
209 Followers 2K Following A good beginning is half the battle . A good start of love a clear sing of Victorian
UNSTABLE AF @DJNEEEKO
940 Followers 4K Following DJ ,Photographer, Philanthropist, Student,and Teacher
Juan Sierra @JuanSie79455500
31 Followers 531 Following
sweatpants cher🔸 @House_Feminist
32K Followers 633 Following • unverified account • orca sympathizer • she/her • 🔴 alt @thot_feminist
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams
26K Followers 781 Following Engineer I'm also on BlueSky. Same name.
Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42
26K Followers 652 Following Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets https://t.co/fJ5BJjLtIb
bornmiserable.bsky.so.. @bornmiserable
19K Followers 183 Following ELON MUSK IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND TRANSPHOBE: https://t.co/NCBoblquUZ…
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Brian Gaar @briangaar
80K Followers 2K Following Finally a bearded white dude in comedy. https://t.co/z1EDZmqdBo Bluesky: https://t.co/XkLVhTtCfv
Mary Gillis @living_marble
9K Followers 501 Following writer/editor @thebeaverton she/her Mast:[email protected] Bluesky:https://t.co/i0Flvu6oIE
RM @dorsalstream
7K Followers 634 Following You know, for kids. Yes, I do have a newsletter (thanks for asking): https://t.co/rH0CZ1GqxI. Or follow me on Medium at https://t.co/IBcgOmyAX9
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
GlitterDemon 🏳️�.. @anoticingsenpa1
6K Followers 6K Following hobbies include existential crises and eating the souls of men ( she, her)
Cat Kay too @Puzzlepurse2
5K Followers 5K Following Bottle rockets & billets-doux. Photos (except RTs) are mine. I get even more frivolous at @puzzlepurse. Selling cute old things at @PupuVintage.
Ⓝⓔⓑⓤⓛⓘⓩ.. @MonkeyHeadNeb
928 Followers 1K Following ✵ ✷ · .☄ ✧ ✵. 🇲🇽 · ⋆ * ⋆ · . * * · ✫ ˚ ✦ *🇲🇽 ✵ amateurfessor ✫ of ✷ geology ✦ ✵. ˚ * ˚ · #ElPasoStrong * ✦ 🇲🇽✵ ✦
Ally @TragicAllyHere
20K Followers 1K Following Writer. Co-Author of Dad Law. Grad student. Ex-mo. ADHD. Queen of losing her phone and her train of thought
A Rabbit of Negative .. @Bexdora
2K Followers 596 Following Fat pansexual relationship anarchist & enthusiastic tea drinker. I used to be funny. All my scarves are sexy.
𝔏𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔏.. @fleurkenloathe
2K Followers 1K Following Dalmatian slave, training for transplant and wearing in a very firm pair of clogs.
Jasmine Pierce @jasminepierce
9K Followers 1K Following ✨ a slanderous and nasty-minded mulatress* ✨ *tv writer
Ryan George @theryangeorge
68K Followers 375 Following Hi there, hello! I do comedy things - Pitch Meetings and many other videos where I talk to myself.
Felix O'Shea @felixoshea
4K Followers 402 Following Nihilist. Idiot. I tend to attract crazy people, so if you want to get to know me, maybe you need to ask yourself if you’re doing okay.
reem @reemvil
2K Followers 435 Following our attempts to remind them of reason won't get us that far. idk what it is that they want, but i haven't got it to give✌🏻
really small gay guy @Burger_Time_
4K Followers 903 Following
Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13
21K Followers 816 Following Jokes on the web. I RT a lot of funny things. Big hit with moms.
several onions @Amusitr0n
13K Followers 785 Following On more than one occasion I farted, woke myself up, thought it was my phone vibrating and tried to answer my fart.
Black Michael Cera @TheWillieCoxJr
636 Followers 449 Following The Demon That Means Well. I'm not funny, I just retweet funny things. Unapologetically Black. One Day, I'll Say Something Really Impressive. Trump Lost. BLM
Pirate Hooker @krissywillbretz
9K Followers 2K Following keep your pocket full of sunshine, I have a pocket full of French fries. @MollyCocktail is my sexier twin.
Notabeanie @notabeanie
2K Followers 1K Following I really just want you to follow me on tumblr. they/them/other stuff if it's cute & fun
Erren Michaels 🐇�.. @ErrenMichaels
3K Followers 830 Following 24 devious rabbits in a trench-coat. Writer of books & whispering runes scrawled in the blood of ancient gods CHAOTIC GOOD she/he/NB/g&t/ADHD/no sugar in my tea
Brendan Krick @BarndogKarck
2K Followers 238 Following Boys XL, writer for The Hard Times and Hard Drive
Audrey Porne @AudreyPorne
27K Followers 2K Following ngāi tahu 🖤 stand-up comedian who will guard the bathroom door for you at parties. display pic by @Dug_McFarlane
bubble girl @JessObsess
18K Followers 1K Following I could have been something great. Winner of the “Best Avi” 10 years in a row. My tweet trophies are covered in dust.
Ray 🕶️ @nraymz
1K Followers 504 Following “Toute nation a le gouvernement qu'elle mérite.” @Sorrowscopes contributor. A very good boy
🇵🇸 The artist f.. @TheIronSherk
12K Followers 425 Following Chapstick enthusiast, toque-wearer, purveyor of rare yacht rock bootlegs. Prisoner here of my own device. Proud Snow Mexican. Tage.
She’s A Real Genius.. @ShesARealGenius
6K Followers 343 Following writer for that '80s show. no, that other one https://t.co/SFPE3YUEzd
haley perry @theyungspider
4K Followers 573 Following daedric prince of spiders ---🕷️--- i write about video games and booze for @wirecutter
Eli Fels-McDowell @elizabeth_fels
5K Followers 1K Following Married to @FelsMcDowell. Baby photos here https://t.co/Y1H2ANi25I
🌬 Sarah Joy Shocke.. @sarahjoyshockey
10K Followers 4K Following a friend who writes stories, loves wrestling, makes art, loves chichaggio & half of @MartySarahPod
Air Bud Dwyer @kDuncanG
4K Followers 3K Following this account really picks up after season three // avi by @upsidedowntrash
Dick Scurvy @DickScurvy
9K Followers 1K Following
capitalism liker @HumanPog
17K Followers 2K Following
Happy 2019! I hope they put Trump in general population during Sockful of Nickels Appreciation Week.
Stop! Stop, I got a splinter! -me, getting murdered by a guy whaling on me with a 2x4
Life is a delicate balance between managing your depression & letting time slowly destroy your body.
I like my women like I like my haunted houses, horrifying and could kill me at any moment.
A french kiss is when you use tongue. A goth kiss is when you hear her heartbeat from below the floorboard. Incessantly. Forever.
some of my fav bios. feat. @magysaeed / @MrPisme / @SchMaaags / @MommaUnfiltered / @tapadapa / @JustTashie / @Michael1979 / @hello_saylor / @NoTheOtherJohn / @WhatevaConc / @TheCatWhisprer / @findmydolls
me: hey I’m Dave, headed to the airport Uber driver: what’s your name? me: ...Dave Uber driver: where you going? me: ...the airport Uber driver: [touching his phone for fourteen minutes but I can see nothing’s changing on the screen] okay Big Dave ever been in the sky before
An alternate universe where everything is the same except when you flush a toilet, the toilet says “yummm”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn't have children ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
We should have listened when he said he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose voters. He was right and democrats still don’t have a platform or a candidate or a clue. But don’t worry, Nancy has it under control.
I have my children convinced that they need to wash their hands before folding clean laundry. “Whoa buddy. Go wash-up before you handle those cargo shorts.”
Let’s talk about books baby Let’s talk about libraries Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things you can read Let’s talk about books
my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]
Had to decide between paying for my children’s braces or buying a new car but I can’t decide on the color.
A big part of the female experience is just learning how to graciously accept flattery, even when it's wrapped in insults.
I have begged, begged him to tell me my breath stinks. For 12 years. And he always said no. He says it’s truly just the first time it has ever stunk to him. He can smell garlic when I speak, from feet away. 3 feet away. It’s wonderful. I’m so happy.
Breaking ankles is a harmless euphemism in basketball, but not so much when it comes to dodgebowling.
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