Michael @lemonhandle
Northern Ireland Joined April 2015-
Tweets28
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Followers6
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Following65
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Likes120
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
[bank heist meeting] as long as- ...gary is that a fucking baby?! "Yes Todd he's our new demolitions expert" [baby pulls pin off grenade]
Successfully solving a Captcha is pretty much this generation's version of beating Ruby Weapon from Final Fantasy 7.
[1st day at work] Me and my boss: hahaha [10 min later I find out my boss doesn't like Friends] I can't do this anymore I quit
[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
[Support Group For Dans] Hi, I'm Dan. "HI, DAN." I worry that people just call me Dan The Man cuz it rhymes. *all the Dans nod knowingly*
*me teaching dog training* ok now everybody in a single file line—perfect *i spend the entire class just petting all the dogs 1 at a time*
[Restaurant] MAN: I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse! [horse family nearby] HORSE DAD: [rolling up sleeves to fight] YOU FRICKEN SONUVABITCH
"So you're proposing a van-based taxi service that plays classic rock music?" "Yes" "What's it called?" "Van Hailing"
Me: (Seductively) Wanna go back to my place? Him: Totally *two hours of weezer covers later* Him: I should go.
"How was school, son?" "Bad." "What happened?" "I became a meme." "What?" "MOM Y U NO LISTEN!!!!1!!!"
*Walks into work* "Check out this cool snake I found" That's a tie, not a--" "Why's there a snake around your neck?"
Who the fuck told Captain America that you throw a shield?
[Twisted Sister concert] "I WANNA ROCK!" *Gets killed to death by entire audience throwing rocks*
[Date] Her: So your profile says you're passionate about Architecture? Me: That's right. *Shows her my Minecraft longplay on Youtube*
Wife: you were disqualified because it was a karate tournament for kids ... ... were you even listening when I said I almost came in 3rd?
Put the toilet seat down today. That's what it gets for challenging me to that rap battle.
Ava @misbehaviorava
23 Followers 307 Following
teddybearcuddler @lordblender
29 Followers 447 Following
The Mask @TheMasqueTheMan
64 Followers 414 Following A man in a mask. Official twitter page of the soon-to-be comedic webseries #TheMask. (working title). Now I can hide behind a screen too. i love anti-humor.
luke @lukeoneil47
42K Followers 1K Following My new collection of fiction WE HAD IT COMING is available now. https://t.co/CokK76673L Newsletter: https://t.co/6B3tw6c4Oq
K. Creek @sgrstk
97K Followers 63 Following Writer. Creator. Instigator. Dad, but not your dad. I wrote "Speech Therapy," "Fucking History," and the "Feel Free to Quote Me" series.
keith @tchrquotes
5K Followers 565 Following If you prefer your brownies cake like rather than fudge like I will fight you.
beaker @bea_ker
17K Followers 884 Following
Jay @DirtMcTurd
20K Followers 3K Following
ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵�... @flashember
12K Followers 400 Following the immortal wildebeest clatters on and on and on /avi by @fro_vo header by @DocHackenbush
Megan Amram @meganamram
954K Followers 4K Following it's this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that's 'in' right now. - my mom
Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy
11K Followers 1K Following Social Creative Director. Shitposting 9-5. Shit posts 5-9. Once trended here, haven't been trendy since.
Amanda hugnkiss @caliluvgirl77
10K Followers 962 Following teacher. spotter. asshole. mom. #23xi #broncos
Cool Eric @OBiiieeee
20K Followers 809 Following i told my dad Sonic The Hedgehog was gay and he ripped the oven door off
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
82K Followers 3K Following I write for TV and pick up my dog’s shit with a little bag.
courtesy fave on deat... @boring_as_heck
110K Followers 2K Following
audrey farnsworth @audipenny
39K Followers 781 Following thoughtful insane regular person + writer + “comedian woman” + newsletter @ https://t.co/bZaZufPQ3K thanks SO much
dan mentos @DanMentos
81K Followers 592 Following
tara shoe @tarashoe
33K Followers 771 Following nice to be meeting you. my email address is [email protected]. have a good one please
The Mask @TheMasqueTheMan
64 Followers 414 Following A man in a mask. Official twitter page of the soon-to-be comedic webseries #TheMask. (working title). Now I can hide behind a screen too. i love anti-humor.
teddybearcuddler @lordblender
29 Followers 447 Following
Gus The Fox @GusTheFox
74K Followers 1K Following I once punched a duck so hard that it went back in time and ended up in a painting at the National Portrait gallery wearing a Tudor ruff.
Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov
61K Followers 697 Following i was gonna be a great athlete but then mcdonald's came out with the dollar menu
Dave Weasel @DaveWeasel
474K Followers 15K Following 5x Billboard comedy chart topper. slightly more active on IG: daveweasel @valleyboyspod "verified since September 2016" don't come at me
Allie Goertz @AllieGoertz
53K Followers 774 Following Writer, musician, former Editor at MAD Magazine. My Nine Inch Nails cover album #PeeledBack is out now.
The Volatile Mermaid @OhNoSheTwitnt
318K Followers 1K Following ~*Jewish-American Disney Princess*~ @HarlanCoben once compared me to a whiskey sour without the whiskey.
Amanda @Manda_like_wine
40K Followers 929 Following I do a lot of laundry. contact:mancinowilliams at gmail
David Hughes @david8hughes
111K Followers 817 Following Writer. I wrote this bio. Mock the Week | Trailer Park Boys | The Project
rob delaney @robdelaney
1.4M Followers 1 Following You can get my book, A Heart That Works, at the link below.
Bill Mc7 @BillMc7
22K Followers 346 Following Current head writer for all the TV shows. Opinions are my employer's. They're terrible. Really terrible. I wish they'd get their own account.
Lyle Clippart @Kyle_Lippert
31K Followers 697 Following We are the tolerant left, we just have no tolerance left for you. Used to tell jokes, now I'm here to mainly yell at idiots.Trends for United States
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