Michael Thompson @emptyheadtwo
I'm an amateur joke writer. Although some people have praised me by saying I'm a complete amateur. North Wales Joined September 2014-
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Following214
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Likes11K
'Super' Harley McCoist. @talkSPORT
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I had a dream that I overdosed on Viagra. Kept me up all night.
seven. @LFC @ManUtd #shitphotoshopping
While in Crete, I had a short excursion to see the labyrinths. It was a minor tour. #LunchPun
CONVINCE Buddhists that you were a dog in a previous life by sniffing their arses when you meet them. @TwopTwips
I asked a French estate agent if he had unfurnished houses for sale in a forest."Deux bare gîtes in the woods?" he replied. #LunchPun
LIVEN up adult swimming lessons by throwing in hundreds of joke chattering teeth and shouting, "Piranhas!" @TwopTwips
Dolphins don't make the best dancers due to their poor poise. #LunchPun
FACE PAINTERS, give better value for money by using gloss. @TwopTwips
Michael Thompson retweeted
I made Lee Anderson Deputy Chairman because he represents the integrity and professionalism that I value so much. Like that time he lied to a journalist and got his mate to pretend he didn't know him. Please don’t share. #Reshuffle
BLOW up a balloon before going out on the piss, so you have a handy sample for a breathalyser. @TwopTwips
CAUSE chaos in Santa's grotto by slipping him a Viagra just before opening time. @TwopTwips
Boris Johnson pulls out of Conservative leadership race. First thing he's pulled out of for a long while. #Conservative #BorisJohnson
Michael Thompson retweeted
Michael Thompson retweeted
Can't believe they are going to make a MAN queen. This woke nonsense has gone too far.
Michael Thompson retweeted
Remember that time the dear old banks got themselves into a bit of a pickle and we all clubbed together and bailed them out? Wouldn’t it he lovely if they returned the favour this winter?
CONVINCE people that you work for the gas board when at a gangbang by leaning on a shovel, chatting, while someone else is in the hole. @TwopTwips
WINDOW CLEANERS, keep your feet warm during winter by using a heated towel rail as a ladder. @TwopTwips
Michael Thompson retweeted
Michael Thompson retweeted
"British workers are lazy" - Liz Truss
Ian Power @IHPower
16K Followers 394 Following If any of my tweets annoy you, please remember I'm just trying to have a laugh. If none of my tweets have annoyed you, be patient, they will.
Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston
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Jim Corbridge @MrBonMot
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joe heenan @joeheenan
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Bacardi Oakheart @Midgetgems26
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UncleTog1️⃣9️�... @tog1989
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rab livingstone @rablivingstone
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Anne McLauchlan 💙�... @AnneMac10
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Ray needs amusement @entertainray
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Fiona M Forsythe @FMForsythe
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Paul Murphy @murphy_pr
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Tin Foil Nat @tinfoilnat
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Lyle 🏴... @Lyle_l
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ᒚᓍᕼᘉ 𝚊𝚔... @JohnJohnpsingh
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Stargazing Publishing... @stargazing_pub
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Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
12K Followers 4K Following If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in https://t.co/Sjvvd3oshD. To submit a tweet, mention @thefunnytweeter
Ryan Kristensen @ryankristensen
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Ian Power @IHPower
16K Followers 394 Following If any of my tweets annoy you, please remember I'm just trying to have a laugh. If none of my tweets have annoyed you, be patient, they will.
Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston
9K Followers 855 Following I still haven't found my 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' CD. Oh wait, there it is, under my 'Whoomp! (There It Is)' CD...
Jeffw @Jeffwni
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GlennyRodge @GlennyRodge
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Jim Corbridge @MrBonMot
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joe heenan @joeheenan
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Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy
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Bacardi Oakheart @Midgetgems26
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rab livingstone @rablivingstone
11K Followers 835 Following It's only the thoughts that manage to escape that make it here, some should never have made it out.
Anne McLauchlan 💙�... @AnneMac10
1K Followers 871 Following Single, 57, happy. Legal secretary extraordinaire. Mum to Eesha (the sweetest doggy in the world). Champion shoogler of 2023 😊 She/Her
Clinton Baptiste @realclintonb
39K Followers 26K Following 2026 UK tour "Spectral Intercourse" tickets at https://t.co/Q4zvOsJd48
Sea Power @SeaPowerBand
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A Rabbit of Negative ... @Bexdora
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𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧... @TwopTwips
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