Thomas @TheeDankEngine

Stand-Up Comedic Connoisseur. Husband. Father. Child at Heart. Aspiring Ghost Writer. Dead Inside. Most of my tweets are written on the toilet. Joined September 2020

Tweets

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Followers

682
Following

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Likes

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Thomas @TheeDankEngine

4 years ago

My first viral tweet was a stolen joke. All the comments are so mad.

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Mat™️ @futureKid

4 years ago

Matchbox Twenty + Twenty One Pilots = Sum 41

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millennial_crybaby_slob @dillonsaur

4 years ago

Every rich person has a tiny dog that looks exactly like a monopoly player piece

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Thomas @TheeDankEngine

4 years ago

Fun fact: Male honeybees die shortly after sex. It's 3 stages of life are literally 1. Honey 2. Nut 3. Cheerio

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Orlando @OrlandoPcomedy

4 years ago

You mean to tell me someone Ironed a Maiden?

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Al Alvarez One Liners @AlAlvarezJokes

4 years ago

7/8ths of the time i believe in god But sometimes I'm an eighth-eist

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Mike Wells @mikewtfwells

4 years ago

My idea of being able to afford a home renovation is playing The Sims.

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Morgan Gallo @morgangcomedy

4 years ago

Do people not realize when they complain about having to pay to see a comedy show it’s kind of insulting to the comics? These jokes aren’t free bitch

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Thomas @TheeDankEngine

4 years ago

I had sex on the beach once, so I totally get where Anakin was coming from.

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Mike Wells @mikewtfwells

4 years ago

It’s so easy to order $50 worth of Taco Bell when you’re also buying weed.

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Thomas @TheeDankEngine

4 years ago

UPDATE: Saw fast 9 and ordered that lady a few self help books on Amazon. Then I took the wallet to the police station.

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Thomas @TheeDankEngine

4 years ago

This lady dropped her wallet in the parking lot after my show today. I tried to give it back and she doesn't even look at me and says "Ew, get lost." Guess who went on a shopping spree?