haris sayani @alifeofharis
Joined March 2020-
Tweets18
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Followers97
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Following171
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Likes145
Saw a commercial: "#Neutrogena, for people with skin" Someone got paid to come up with that slogan.
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"#Rams or #Bengals" Me, knowing nothing about sports: "Well, it's the year of the Tiger so... Go Bengals?" #SuperBowlLVI
the revolution will not be televised, the revolution will be traded #GME
haris sayani retweeted
Sorry if i haven’t responded back to your 9/11 texts today, my phone’s been on airplane mode.
haris sayani retweeted
It’s funny how “LIBTARD” is an abridged way of saying “liberal retard”, but the abridged version of “republican retard” is still just “RE-TARD”
haris sayani retweeted
dad: what’s your tattoo say? I can’t read it, it’s too wrinkly. mom: it says fuck you Happy Mother’s Day
haris sayani retweeted
America is the Florida of the world
Ryan Shields @ryanshields
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I guess my car heard me talking about my stimulus check
So much of the economy is just tricking customers into paying more money than necessary
These cops are wild, next time I get pulled over I’m just gonna act like I’m already dead
my friends are out here doing big things and i couldn’t be more proud
So excited to announce that Just For Laughs has continued to ignore my existence!!
I’m having a wedding. I’m not currently seeing anyone, but I’ve never needed a partner before to eat cake, dance with friends, and lie to a priest.
Ok but why did O.J have such a regular ass car
Every time one of my tweets bombs I watch the social dilemma and tell my self it doesn’t matter
Deleting GroupMe is part of the graduation process
Guys !!! We were supposed to bribe politicians THEN manipulate the market...
This is bullshit. The Redditors aren't cheating, they're joining a party Wall Street insiders have been enjoying for years. Don't shut them down...maybe sue them for copyright infringement instead!! We've learned nothing from 2008. Love StewBeef
Thus concludes the 2020 stand up season
If I was the Salvation Army I would simply get a job
If god gonna give me more unemployment then I owe it to him to work on the craft
I wanna get famous.. not for the money or whatever I just want people to talk about my jokes and use the word dichotomy
Someone told me she gives a mean handjob but that sounds actually mean
I'll forever be grateful to @TMobile for not only providing me a job during college that helped me pay all my expenses, but they also provided tuition assistance that helped me graduate debt free. If they had positions in Houston, I would've never left the company.
Seeing our @TMobile team members using our #DegreeOnUs benefit to get where they want to go … now THAT is #MondayMotivation.
My friend is on keto & then I watched him eat a whole wheel of cheese. At least it’s not carbs right?
Me: (gets off stage) Yo how was my set?? Friend: it was great man!! Me: Cool cause I’m on a lot of cocaine right now
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