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Tweets9K
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Followers2K
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Following341
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Likes4K
If I won the $1.7B powerball jackpot I’d get rid of that usb-to-car cigarette lighter adapter for my iPod and upgrade to a 3.5mm-to-lightning aux. cable.
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Rather than navigate the DMV website to apply for a “Real ID”, I’ve decided to move to Iran.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to Dougie and you get your teaching certification revoked.
A self-driving Jaguar has stopped, holding up all the cars in the middle of a Whole Foods parking lot. This is Waymo problematic than we imagined.
Our love affair with firearms has become guncontrollable.
My dad used to be a Greek god. If he found out that I’ve never been to the ocean, he’d be Poseidon self.
If you took all the people waiting in line for In-N-Out, sneakers, video games and 7-11 lottery tickets you’d have a workforce.
Got fist-bumped by a gal. Haness: 0, Friendzone 1,378
If you get arrested in Hollywood, you should slate during your mugshot. #Hollywood
available name for breakfast/brunch establishment: “Cereal Crêpeist”
Can’t believe Celine Dion never did a Dion covers album. ‘Dion does Dion.’ What a gyp. Wasted talent…
Oooh, “Alto Nights!” Another mafia movzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Next terrorist attack on U.S. soil, Biden gets to say “Not it!”
Everything that comes out of Trump’s mouth is about as nonsensical as a level 1 improv class showcase.
I swatted at a spider. It got away among some of my coats hanging on the rack. I am now the villain in this bug’s ‘John Wick’ film.
The new Air Jordan commercial should be flagged for nudity. No reason to see DJ Khaled’s tits. #nike
Next up, Trump will pardon all living (or dead!) mass shooters.
Laurie Kilmartin @anylaurie16
99K Followers 6K Following Standup / seen on Conan, Corden, After Midnight / Writer: JKL, Oscars, CONAN / Book “Dead People Suck” / Hulu “Cis Woke Grief Sl*t"
Allen Strickland Will... @TotallyAllen
20K Followers 3K Following CONAN 2x. Adult Swim. Full Comedy Central special The Intellectual Shocker on YouTube. Order or stream Ran Through below. FMA w/ ASW pod every week-ish.
Alex Hooper @HooperHairPuff
12K Followers 2K Following Comedian. Weirdo. Eccentric Socialite. America's Got Talent. Comedy Central. Ellen. Dirty Briefs Podcast.
Babs Gray @BabsGray
22K Followers 2K Following comedian who freed britney that one time listen to my podcast @lady2ladycomedy if you don't hate women
Sean O’Connor @seanoconnz
42K Followers 3K Following Comedian. Writer. Mets fan. SOLAR OPPOSITES, NORM MACDONALD LIVE, and a ton of other shows.
Chris Estrada: Sept 2... @ChrisEstrada85
11K Followers 1K Following Stand-up Comic / Star & Co-Creator of @thisfoolhulu / https://t.co/vbztYeLh78 / My Don't Tell Comedy set in the link below.
Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker
182K Followers 5K Following Emmy-nominated writer & comedian. My book GOOD GAME; NO REMATCH is coming in 2025. Newsletter: https://t.co/9mOMgDuvfv Email: mikedruckerisdead @ gmail .com
natecraig.com @hypeman
4K Followers 1K Following Verified. Uncle. Housewife. Wi➡️CA sports & politics. Maniac on Netflix. Touring now. Tickets➡️ https://t.co/RnhnEPlEIq IG & tiktok @ natecraiglive
Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner
65K Followers 1K Following Stand-up comic & Emmy winning comedy writer… Headwriter/Roaster Toaster #EarthToNed (Disney+)... co-host On The Podium podcast… she/her/mistress… comedy album👇
Raj Desai @_rajdesai
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Matt Knudsen @mattknudsen
9K Followers 1K Following 📺 Shrinking, Key & Peele, ITYSL 🎙 Conan, Late Late Show, Dry Bar COMEDY REEL: https://t.co/76KvVDb5jO https://t.co/arFq3RDjEK
Andy Kindler @AndyKindler
127K Followers 6K Following Time to exit this fascist echo chamber. https://t.co/0LMkkwbvBE
Matt Goldich @MattGoldich
20K Followers 1K Following I write jokes for @latenightseth. Stand-up special NO QUESTIONS ASKED out now! https://t.co/ZzVOeIGJie
James Fritz @fritzisdead
5K Followers 1K Following Old Man Yells at Crowd out 7/25 on ASpecialThing records * perfectly rated comedian * adult swim * hbomax * The Frankie Quinones Show pod
Jono Zalay @JonoZalay
5K Followers 2K Following I'm gone, baby. Find me elsewhere. And get out yourself!
Charlotte @biqiltuf
169 Followers 2K Following
Mauleem @Mauleem650
29 Followers 2K Following
omaralshaer @JnyAlsha
586 Followers 4K Following I am Omar from Gaza. I lost my father when I was young. I am 12 years old. I lost my home in the war. I have 3 siblingJana, Tamer, and Mahmoud. Please help me.
farzanahussain2025 @PerveinBegum
118 Followers 2K Following Marketing nerd + music lover. I live in ads, breathe analytics, and vibe to fresh sounds. Hit play and let’s grow together. 💡🎶
Suardum @Suardum6873
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Autaudie @Autaudie1752
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Bronco Cutie @BroncoCuti37295
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Thaddeus Hyatt @ThaddeusH81731
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Jenny @alycia28875
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Kristinkreuk @princefais22478
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Byanna @Byanna2885051
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SarahCrystal @SarahCrystal557
833 Followers 7K Following Hi I’m Sarah crystal and I’m single with no kids and I’m here wanting to be the girl who’s gonna take away your worries 💕 🥰
olyria roy @roy_olyria25160
136 Followers 425 Following
Swilder @Swilder47656
39 Followers 4K Following
Logan Campbell @campbell6912
222 Followers 5K Following
jondoe @JonDoe_CN
10 Followers 89 Following
Shannon Batten-Guitta... @thel0ngshot
27 Followers 257 Following Shannon Hatch and Ryan Long collaborate on their podcast from their perspective JAIL CELLS
Patricia Busking @BuskingPat86974
417 Followers 5K Following I am Patricia busking the winner of $298.3 million from powerball lottery. I am given out $250k to my first 1k followers , old page gone 😐
Buried @Buried376576
0 Followers 22 Following
HumdingerDarling @HumdingerDarlin
3K Followers 3K Following Activist, Artist, Old Soul, Poet, 📷, Homeless mom of 2. Photos and poems are my own. 💙 CashApp/Venmo = MissCharmCity
Barbara Képli Diana ... @BarbiKepli
2 Followers 30 Following hello, I'm Barbara Képli. singer and I can be found on several foreign lookalike agency sites as Princess Diana's Hungarian official
ren🖤🦇 @RenArcher1
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Krismile @Krismile469057
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Lamin Keita @LaminKeita34130
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Helen @ConnieChap27207
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TheUnolyBats @MyBeloved_____
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Demdo Jabbie @DemdoJabbi81034
77 Followers 2K Following I love natures and I grew up on a 'bush block' with a wildlife carer neighbour. Ultimately, our love for animals challenges us to redefine our place
Slousen @Slousen136060
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Slathetheasl @slathethea48787
27 Followers 2K Following “Working from the heart with passion is an art!”
AN NA @ryo_blackz
224 Followers 1K Following Studying is like planting a tree; flowers bloom in spring and fruits bear in autumn
Sophia Mace @Satanic_ghouls
9 Followers 71 Following
Rosalie @seshuro93269
257 Followers 5K Following See the world on the road, and get to know yourself on the way!
Laurie Kilmartin @anylaurie16
99K Followers 6K Following Standup / seen on Conan, Corden, After Midnight / Writer: JKL, Oscars, CONAN / Book “Dead People Suck” / Hulu “Cis Woke Grief Sl*t"
Allen Strickland Will... @TotallyAllen
20K Followers 3K Following CONAN 2x. Adult Swim. Full Comedy Central special The Intellectual Shocker on YouTube. Order or stream Ran Through below. FMA w/ ASW pod every week-ish.
Alex Hooper @HooperHairPuff
12K Followers 2K Following Comedian. Weirdo. Eccentric Socialite. America's Got Talent. Comedy Central. Ellen. Dirty Briefs Podcast.
Sean O’Connor @seanoconnz
42K Followers 3K Following Comedian. Writer. Mets fan. SOLAR OPPOSITES, NORM MACDONALD LIVE, and a ton of other shows.
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
818K Followers 5K Following The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
Chris Estrada: Sept 2... @ChrisEstrada85
11K Followers 1K Following Stand-up Comic / Star & Co-Creator of @thisfoolhulu / https://t.co/vbztYeLh78 / My Don't Tell Comedy set in the link below.
Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker
182K Followers 5K Following Emmy-nominated writer & comedian. My book GOOD GAME; NO REMATCH is coming in 2025. Newsletter: https://t.co/9mOMgDuvfv Email: mikedruckerisdead @ gmail .com
Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr
417K Followers 6K Following Preorder ‘The Man of Many Fathers' Now! out 10/28 @CrownPublishing. Watch LONELY FLOWERS @hulu FMR: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: @HignfyUS on CNN FOREVER: FAMU
natecraig.com @hypeman
4K Followers 1K Following Verified. Uncle. Housewife. Wi➡️CA sports & politics. Maniac on Netflix. Touring now. Tickets➡️ https://t.co/RnhnEPlEIq IG & tiktok @ natecraiglive
Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner
65K Followers 1K Following Stand-up comic & Emmy winning comedy writer… Headwriter/Roaster Toaster #EarthToNed (Disney+)... co-host On The Podium podcast… she/her/mistress… comedy album👇
Raj Desai @_rajdesai
5K Followers 2K Following Writer/Stand-up. I’m here to social network! https://t.co/LOUst0RmfV
Matt Knudsen @mattknudsen
9K Followers 1K Following 📺 Shrinking, Key & Peele, ITYSL 🎙 Conan, Late Late Show, Dry Bar COMEDY REEL: https://t.co/76KvVDb5jO https://t.co/arFq3RDjEK
Andy Kindler @AndyKindler
127K Followers 6K Following Time to exit this fascist echo chamber. https://t.co/0LMkkwbvBE
Matt Goldich @MattGoldich
20K Followers 1K Following I write jokes for @latenightseth. Stand-up special NO QUESTIONS ASKED out now! https://t.co/ZzVOeIGJie
James Fritz @fritzisdead
5K Followers 1K Following Old Man Yells at Crowd out 7/25 on ASpecialThing records * perfectly rated comedian * adult swim * hbomax * The Frankie Quinones Show pod
Reuters World @ReutersWorld
735K Followers 162 Following Your source for top international news and analysis.
Kara Swisher @karaswisher
1.5M Followers 2K Following “Vitriolic” and now “shrill”media lady, though dogs can hear me loud and clear
Malcolm Nance @MalcolmNance
1.0M Followers 3K Following US Intelligence +36 yrs. Expert MENA/SWA Terrorism, US Extremism, Dead Russians | x5 NYT Bestselling Author, Navy Sr Chief, Widower, Ukrainian Legionnaire 🇺🇦
Miami Hurricanes Foot... @CanesFootball
337K Followers 1K Following The official X of the 5-Time National Champion University of Miami Hurricanes Football program. #ItsAllAboutTheU #GoCanes
Chris Martin - the ot... @ChrisMcomedy
19K Followers 1K Following NOT IN COLDPLAY. Instagram chrismcomedy. https://t.co/yQ68B4MOiM Comedian/writer (Late Late Show, XO Kitty)
Jutty Taylor @juttytaylor
33K Followers 81 Following
Sam Brown (Formerly T... @SamBrown42069
24K Followers 663 Following 1/5 of the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know and 1/1 of the Sam Brown and the Samtones
RUTH BUZZI @Ruth_A_Buzzi
200K Followers 5K Following Ruth Buzzi was an entertainer who generously brought her gifts of love and laughter to a needy world for more than half a century.
Julia Ioffe @juliaioffe
365K Followers 3K Following Founding Partner and Washington Correspondent, @PuckNews. All views my own. Void where prohibited. Also on the azure heavens app.
Amy Silverberg @AmySilverberg
34K Followers 1K Following Writer & Comedian!!! Pre-order my debut novel here: https://t.co/j6kpCJEAn4
Metro Los Angeles @metrolosangeles
149K Followers 816 Following 🌴🚌💨 Your go-to for getting around Los Angeles 🕦 Account monitored M-F 7 AM-6 PM ☎️ 888.950.7233 for security issues ⚠️ @MetroLAalerts for service alerts
Better Half Comedy @BetterHalfLA
156 Followers 174 Following Comedy hosted by @karaklenk & @jaredlogan every Wednesday at 8pm at @barbandini's patio for free! Donations go to the comics [email protected]
Mike Holmes @holmesjokes
1K Followers 201 Following Stand-up comedian and co-chef at Dott Bott Burger. “24 Best Burger Joints in LA” - Thrillist 2022
Matilda @Tillytron
357 Followers 1K Following
Casey Corbin @CaseyCorbin
7K Followers 5K Following StandUp Comedian with albums on Spotify,AppleMusic & YouTube with millions of streams. lucky enough to have worked with Norm MacDonald & Mitch Hedberg
Tig Notaro @TigNotaro
168K Followers 5K Following Official Twitter for Tig Notaro. **TWEETS NOT BY TIG** but by Tig's friends, friends of friends, & charities we love. Tour dates on https://t.co/S3AGRPJkuZ
Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel
47K Followers 1K Following Writer -- Single Parents, President Show, New Girl, Kroll Show, Workaholics. On Bluesky with the same handle.
Caitlin Flanagan @CaitlinPacific
101K Followers 1K Following Thought Crimes for All Occasions. No Charge.
Colin Mochrie @colinmochrie
369K Followers 1K Following the real Colin Mochrie. accept no substitutes.
Adam Serwer 🍝 @AdamSerwer
298K Followers 2K Following Staff Writer, @TheAtlantic Ideas. [email protected]. Order THE CRUELTY IS THE POINT here: https://t.co/JryuLIO8yR 🟡🐺🔴
Adam Schiff @SenAdamSchiff
3.4M Followers 897 Following Husband. Father. U.S. Senator for California. Fighting for an economy that works for everyone and for our democracy.
Neal Katyal @neal_katyal
879K Followers 663 Following Supreme Ct lawyer;NYT best selling author; law prof;extremist centrist. Fmr US Acting Solicitor General. https://t.co/e8n2BKMmwi TEDTalk: https://t.co/NrlQARbsFU
Discogs @discogs
82K Followers 774 Following The world's leading music discovery and record collecting platform empowered by a community of obsessed music fans.
Robert Buscemi™ @RobertBuscemi
4K Followers 2K Following Comedian|Actor. From @SnowfallFX, @GraceandFrankie, @SHO_RayDonovan, @lildickytweets, @ChanceOnHulu, @AgentCarterTV. Acting Reel: https://t.co/DeiIg1XHNR
National Hurricane Ce... @NHC_Atlantic
1.3M Followers 77 Following Official operational X account of the National Hurricane Center for the Atlantic basin. More details: https://t.co/zaFMQs6z7j
Tommy McNamara @TommyMcNam
7K Followers 2K Following watch my special SMOLDERING here for free: https://t.co/zWfmFpuqlc
Kyle Ayers @kyleayers
18K Followers 2K Following Comedian from Conan @neverseenitshow @boastrattle show on Sirius XM, clips, album, and me active on better social media sites in links ⤵️
Karen Kruper @KLKruper
632 Followers 626 Following Dreamer. Doer. Laugher. No stranger to madness. #filmlife is my life. 🇨🇦 Actor living in LA and working everywhere.
Dan Rather @DanRather
2.4M Followers 1K Following Journalist, storyteller, lifelong reader. Texan by birth and by choice. Author of STEADY: https://t.co/8kW1QUbZQJ
LA Public Health @lapublichealth
141K Followers 677 Following Committed to protecting & improving the health of the over 10 million residents of #LACounty. Follow for #HealthAlerts & #HealthTips. #PublicHealth
Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s
30K Followers 20K Following Tim Hanlon. Comedian. DOPE CITY Comedy Tour. coming to Seattle, Phoenix, Tacoma Spokane Boise, Brea, Irvine....
Felicia Michaels @FeliciaMichaels
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274K Followers 1K Following Half of the My Favorite Murder podcast & @ExactlyRight podcast network. I like true crime, food, and cats but not all at once. She/her ❤️
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