Kevin Ernst @kernst2405
Joined November 2013-
Tweets1K
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Followers55
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Following266
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Likes1K
Kevin Ernst retweeted
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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Kevin Ernst retweeted
WOOOOAAAAH-OH-OH…
Kevin Ernst retweeted
My sensitivity class was cancelled today. That's okay. Who needs that horse shit anyway. Am I right, faggots?
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Kids your mother and I are getting a puppy. Whoops I mean divorce. There was a puppy on the TV so I accidentally said puppy sorry about that
Kevin Ernst retweeted
One time I had an allergic reaction so bad that I sneezed 17 times into alternating inner elbows & accidentally won a dabbin' contest.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Boss: Jake said you called him a massive cunt Me: he took one of my highlighter pens Boss [turns to Jake]: don't be such a massive cunt
Kevin Ernst retweeted
[loudly so the police officers behind me in the McDonald's line can hear] Me: god I fucken hate crime
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Its fun watching Hillary fans act like they wouldn't have gloated if she won and Trump fans acting like they wouldn't have sulked if he lost
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Here lies Braden. He died doing what he loved, getting run over by a trash truck while trying to catch a Bulbasaur at 3am in Harlem.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
[first day not having any eyelids] Me [covering one eye with my hand then moving it away quickly]: hi Girl: did-did you just wink at me
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Life is a marathon. You hate it almost instantly. Then at the end, your body betrays you and you shit yourself in front of a bunch of people
Kevin Ernst retweeted
My power is out. My internet is down. I've already started killing people for meat. The only currency now is blood.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Every morning I swallow a condom full of coffee which explodes in my stomach mid-afternoon for a vital energy boost.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
boss: you're an hour late guy who invented daylight savings time: whaaat? no way haha you guys didn't change your clocks did you?
Kevin Ernst retweeted
Decided to take it easy at the gym my first day back after vacation, so I ate a granola bar in the parking lot and went home.
Kevin Ernst retweeted
[watching porn] I hope they stay together
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